It’s 2:30 am, and I haven’t started on any of my work due in a few hours. A Google Classroom notification from, “AP Introduction to Harry Potter” pops up on my phone— “your work is due today at 8:15 am, would you like to turn it in?” My eyes start drooping. “I-yawn-just-yawn n-need to think of a way to skip school tomorrow,” I tell myself. Just then a news article notification pops up on my phone:
BREAKING NEWS: Fremont Funsters High School closed on November 15th due to deadly illness plaguing the student body. SNR-24 is a highly contagious virus, stay protected!”
I click on the notification and open it up to the full article:
SENIORITIS PANDEMIC IN FREMONT
Every year, the day after November 1st, a horrible disease begins to make its way around the school. Attendance numbers take a dramatic hit as classrooms get emptier, and students are afflicted by the symptoms of this terrible infection.
The tell-tale signs of the contagious infliction, as released by Dr. Know Mo, include. Teevation of the WHO:
Superfluous amounts of mail
High-schoolers are blocking important mail from being delivered to their parents because their family mailboxes are overflowing with hundreds of “chronic absenteeism” notices from FUSD.
I remember my sister looking for her electricity bill in her mailbox yesterday, but she kept talking about only seeing letters addressed to me. “Perhaps we could turn this into a family bonding experience,” I ponder. “Dad, it’s your turn to search for the water bill!”
Academic not-so-honesty
Seniors are exhausting their bank account buying memberships for Quizlet, ChatGPT Plus, and Super Sneaky Homework Helper 2400.
Oops. I think back to when Mom asked me why there was a mysterious charge of $900 on her bank account last week. It’s exhausting to keep closing these tabs every time she walks by. “Huh, I guess everyone does this now,” I tell myself, continuing to read.
Death of phone storage
17-year olds all around the city are sacrificing their phone storage for blurry pictures of classmates’ assignments to copy at a later date.
My mind wanders to the picture I took of my friend’s math homework yesterday, and to all the other notebook pictures that I have never opened. “I bet one more picture like that, and my phone will file a complaint for mistreatment.”
Brain Power Lost to Excuses
Seniors are losing their basic comprehensive ability as they are eternally preoccupied with thinking of excuses to tell their teachers about their missing homework. Instead, they are strangely developing an acute “It’s not my fault” reflex.
I chuckle and think about the brilliant Bermuda Triangle excuse I used last week in Physics class.
However, teachers don’t fret. There is an antidote to this terrible affliction. If you find your students afflicted by senioritis, just throw their waitlist letters at their face and make sure they can hear your loud remark about your nephew’s rescinded college decision. We are here to support you through this dangerous epidemic.
Oh, I understand now! Wow, I can’t believe it — This article — it’s perfect! I’m a victim of SNR-24! That’s just what I need to get out of school tomorrow!
