In a shocking series of events, as of midnight on December 1st, millions of people from more than 200 different countries have gone missing. According to the FBI and local police forces, in all the cases, the missing individuals were peculiarly under 5’2” and essentially vanished from their residencies.
In a recent tweet, U.S. president, Joe Biden, attached an article about the mass disappearance, tagged North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, and captioned it with “Dis you?”. While there has been no response from the North Korean leader, his arguably scarier sister, Kim Yo-Jong, responded with a thumbs-down emoji, the implications of which could mean a very scary Christmas.
Canada, who lost approximately 1 million people in the disappearance, suggests the possibilities of an elaborate inter-country kidnapping scheme or an intricate plot to make money off of organs in the black market, both possibilities leaving more questions than answers.
Others point to a more, supernatural reasoning. In multiple, recent videos circulating on the Chinese-owned social media application referred to as “Tik Tak,” many creators urge those under 5’2” to report to the North Pole as Santa’s elves. With no other plausible explanations for the recent disappearances, this theory seems to be the most popular among most.
Recently discovered evidence may even support the accuracy of this seemingly absurd claim. One police officer of the Los Angeles Police Department, Santac Laus, states, “In all ma’ 72 years of police work, I ain’t never seen a case as confusin’ as this one. There appears to be some sorta of shiny stuff sprinkled about the homes of the missin’ individuals. In one of ‘em, I saw a half-eaten carrot with the bite marks of a large animal and mysterious hoofprints. There just ain’t no explanation for all of ‘it.”
Amid the chaos and confusion, many citizens across the globe are heartbroken by the disappearance, some losing their bullies, favorite cashiers, and even their families. San Tas Elph, the mother of Bob Slay, one of the victims of this mysterious phenomenon, took to Instagram to post, “My little Bobby, all I want for Christmas is you.”
On a lighter note, in light of this occurrence (pun intended), many countries have called for an early winter break! Students across the globe are rejoicing! Witness, Rue Dolf of Alameda County in California, states, “I can’t believe it! Children are actually playing outside! I had to put on my glasses to check if what I was seeing was real! I think I even saw one taking a walk for, get this, fun!”
Furthermore, with multiple high school students making up the population of those who disappeared, college admission rates have skyrocketed: a Christmas miracle, indeed! Say bye to those shorties who disappeared and hello to Harvard!
