We never sit down and truly think about what we’re sitting on… until we get severe back pain. From cold chairs to wobbly stools, Arthur Itis (11) realized that his poor posture looked like he was practicing his crippling shrimp pose. “My back feels like it’s being shredded by a thousand invisible blades,” Arthur croaked as he recalled his anguishing experiences while having to listen to his art teacher teach. At least this guy knows what he’ll be for Halloween.
“These chairs might as well be replaced by rocks,” Bruce Bottoms (12) commented. “Wait, no. Don’t actually do that. I have a hunch the whole school will be in a bad position.”
Although the Irvington Voice cannot provide any assistance, such as giving Bruce a cushion, there is nothing to worry about. After the overwhelmingly positive reviews of the Irvington Voice’s well-calculated ratings of the girl’s bathrooms in Irvington, we have once again taken the stand to do the same with another very important part of high school life: chairs! After searching for the most common chairs in Irvington, we decided to rate six different chairs in order to figure out your chances of looking like a beautiful seahorse rather than a dying shrimp out of water for your next senior portrait picture.
- Teacher’s rolling chair: 9/10
Represented by its impeccable score, this movable and comfortable chair provides ample arm support in case your arms decide to turn into noodles during class. You can also adjust the seating level, which provides the option to dangle your legs or keep them on the ground. With its wheels, you can not only spin but also freely roam around. Although it provides much back and bottom support, the amount of cushion it has will make you want to pass out during lectures. Don’t keep your hopes up on this chair because, as it suggests, it’s for the teachers! Maybe one day we’ll all have one. One day…
2. Dark blue chair with 3 slots: 7.8/10
The dark blue chair with 3 vertical slots seems to be appealing when you first look at it, as it has a slightly curved back support and stability. Air can seep through the slots during class, and friends could decide to ambush you by poking your back when you are least expecting. The only downside to these stable chairs is that they hardly appear in most classes, and they deserve to be known in order to decrease the population of shrimps in Irvington.
3. Light blue chair with a hole: 7.6/10
This light blue chair’s lack of vibrant color heavily determines its depressing cleanliness and age. It’s slightly flexible, so you’ll have a somewhat bendy back supporter that will allow you to daydream that you’re in a bounce house while you suffer in class. It also has a hole that you can pull on or peek through to spy on people. Since it’s made of plastic, the cushion is better than the chairs rated below. If you get lucky, some of the plastic could peel off, and you could receive one of Irvington’s common and free souvenirs.
4. Dark blue metal chair: 4.8/10
Moving onto chairs with harder surfaces and no desire to add some form of cushion, we present the dark blue metal chair. Sitting on it for the whole duration of class may lead to shrimp posture tendencies, but the back support is enough to prevent your spine from snapping in half. It’s heavier than plastic chairs, and its temperature sometimes decides to have a mind of its own. Especially when you’re wearing shorts, it feels like you’re sitting on ice the first minute, but it later sticks onto your thighs like your skin is melting onto it.
5. Tall stool: 4/10
Typically spotted in art classes, these tall stools allow you to easily move around and let your feet dangle. However, to prevent yourself from looking like a shrimp, you need something to hold your back and prevent strain, which the stool does not provide you. These stools make you rely on desk support and make you wish you could sit on ten pillows. You might as well sit on the ground before you fall from its unstableness.
6. Chair desk combo: 3/10
The chair you’ve been all waiting for: The typical high school chair, attached to a stiff desk, appears in almost every class. Introduced to be sustainable for protection against earthquakes, hiding under the desk can grant you a new gum-hairdo and a posture that outdoes the average shrimp. These chairs are necessary whenever someone wants to alter their spine, providing less freedom to move around now that you’re chained to a desk. Releasing tension by cracking your back with it can often lead to awkward eye contact with a peer behind you. Not to mention the small storage space on the bottom of the seat, where students like to place their feet. Many have gotten their feet tangled and stuck in those storage baskets. The chair desk combo also does not accommodate different body types, and since you cannot push the chair away from the desk, it’s usually a miss for pure comfortability, leaving no room for a hit.
Although we have no choice but to sit on whatever is available in each class, hopefully this investigation has helped you determine how to NOT accurately look like a shrimp. Now sit up straight!
