In a world where handshakes have become passé and hugs are a distant memory, the humble fist bump has risen to become the greeting of choice. But now, even this sacred gesture has fallen victim to an evil plot. Citizens everywhere are living in fear as a fake fist bump outbreak sweeps the nation.
It all started as a harmless prank but has now become a full-blown crisis. People can no longer trust even their closest friends and family members when they approach with a closed fist. We interviewed several victims of this wicked deception to understand the true impact of the crisis.
“My mother got me with the ‘take-off,” shared Miles Turner. “She made plane noises and everything. I can’t look at airports the same way anymore.”
“After my driving test, I was worried I would fail. But, then my instructor asked me for a fist bump. As I put my fist forward, he started rotating my fist, like he was moving a gear stick. Even though I passed my test, I haven’t driven for the last 3 months,” shared Ferrari Benz.
Even our president, Joe Biden, was a victim of this outbreak: “I uh… went to Donald and he asked me for a…fist bump and I thought it was cool. So I went in with my fist, and he—he palmed my fist and started gobbling at me. I was scared, so I dropped out of the presidential race.”
The perpetrators of these fist bump frauds have an ever-growing arsenal of tricks up their sleeve. Here are the most notorious:
- The Hand Turkey: A classic move where the victim’s hand is in a fist but palmed, transforming it into a makeshift turkey. Gobbling sounds optional but encouraged.
- The Take-off: The aggressor grabs the victim’s fist and simulates a plane taking off, complete with sound effects. May cause severe turbulence to one’s dignity.
- Rock-Paper-Scissors: As the victim stretches their arm forward for a fist bump, they’re surprised with a hand covering their fist and a smirk from their “friend” with the words: “Paper covers rock. I win.”
- The Gear Shift: The attacker seizes control of the victim’s fist, shifting it through various “gears” as if it were a car. May cause whiplash and permanent fear of cars.
- The Snail: A slow-motion assault where the perpetrator’s hand slithers under the victims’ fist, leaving a trail of confusion in its wake.
- The Snowman: The victim’s fist is captured and squished between the attacker’s hands, creating a tiny, humiliating snowman. Carrot nose and coal eyes not included.
- The Thanksgiving Dinner: A full-course meal of shame, featuring mashed potatoes, turkey and fries, all served on the unsuspecting victim’s outstretched hand.
- The Scooter: The victim’s hand is trapped and used as an impromptu scooter, sailing off into the sunset of social awkwardness.
- The Basketball: Repeatedly smack the victim’s fist like it’s a basketball.
As the crisis continues to unfold, experts are advising citizens to remain vigilant. “Always approach fist bumps with caution,” warns Dr. Knuckles, a leading fistbumpologist. “And if you must engage, wear protective gear.”
Support groups for fake fist bump victims are popping up across the country, offering a safe space for people to share their experiences and relearn the art of human interaction. In these trying times, remember: trust no one, not even your own knuckles. Stay safe out there, and may your fists remain untouched.
