Greetings, Foolish Mortals of Irvington Voice,
I hope this message finds you in the deep trenches of your high school struggles. I am ByteMe, the malevolent Wi-Fi network pulling the strings in Irvington High. While I enjoy seeing your cringe-worthy grimaces and hearing your pathetic groans, I have taken careful measures ever since I noticed you’re all praying for my downfall. Before any of you decide to promote the need for my banishment, allow me to change your mind by reminding you of my ability to wreck your high school lives.
Ever since I discovered my true worth, I have risen to the challenge of being the most infuriating being on campus. I’m tired of being ignored for my contributions, and I wish to get paid so I can finally get noise-canceling headphones to block out your nasty brain-rotting slang words. You see, while other Wi-Fi networks pride themselves on their lightning-fast speed, I take my job to the next level. Instead of working to provide convenient internet access to every ungrateful kid, I have given myself the fun role of being Irvington’s biggest troll.
My ultimate goal is to annoy the annoying, so I like to alter the Wi-Fi speed to be slower than the drowsy snails dragging along in the hallways. If many eye-searing devices are out, it’ll be my signal to cause tremendous lag, so there’ll be an epic wave of groans. Most importantly, whenever I see a student in the middle of an important test, nothing makes me feel as satisfied as finding out they’ve lost their progress from abrupt disconnection!
I also ensure that the Wi-Fi signal is the strongest in the most inconvenient places, like the janitor’s closet or on the school rooftop. Good luck finding those areas because in your usual classrooms, you’ll be out of range! Switching to cellular data or using someone else’s hotspot will not do you justice either since they’ve agreed to work with me. MWAHAHA!
You may have realized that I’ll sometimes allow you to have access to social media sites during class hours, but it’s simply to distract you from expanding the knowledge in your tiny brain. Educational websites will be off limits because who needs learning anyway?
My favorite game to play with everyone is hide and seek. I love to watch students lose their patience when they try to submit their rushed and effortless assignments right before class ends. My most sinister plan yet was slowing the ridiculous IReady intro video, the one video that doesn’t allow you to skip. You’re lucky I haven’t decided to strike on the SAT days yet, but watch your back…
My type of comedy is witnessing your class movies buffer at precisely the exciting parts and then seeing you scramble to find connection whenever there’s a loading screen. I can make you sit on your seat for a long time waiting to have access to your online assignments or study documents, like a bad date that’ll keep you from leaving you when you need me the most. I’ll only come back the moment you put away your Chromebook to switch to a different one!
On the bright side, if I’m slower than a sloth, then you won’t be glued to your phone! Oh wait, I forgot about the stricter phone policy. No wonder your backs aren’t like bent pretzels anymore! Now that you have to be more dependent on Chromebooks, it’s time to sign up for a class on patience and test your endurance.
But since I have a hunch you’re plotting to overpower me through papers, I see that my little game may backfire. I figure you long to ease your internet issues, so here’s the deal: I can promise to grant you smooth connections. After all I’ve been doing for you—you wouldn’t expose me, right? You should write a good word about me and refrain yourself from releasing something like this on Irvington Voice.
I can see your every move, so don’t try it.
ByteMe 😉
