High schools and seagulls have been at-odds enemies since the birth of time, and Irvington High School is no different. From 2012 on, IHS students, teachers, and administrators have gradually begun to notice increased violence from seagulls directed onto the school campus. Increased seagull feces has been found on the school’s Buum track, building rooftops, and cafeteria tables since January of 2023, with experts warning increased aggression as 2025 approaches.
“I even found seagull feces in my classroom,” bemoaned tenth grade Chemistry teacher Plaine Yingwith-Fire, who worries about even greater aggression by seagulls possibly ending his class altogether. “I don’t even know how it got there.”
When questioned if it was indeed seagull feces, Mr. Yingwith-Fire responded. “Well I hope it was seagull feces.”
Despite Irvington admin’s best attempts, the seagulls have shown no intention of stopping. The administration has sent top school counselors to negotiate with the nefarious birds, yet they responded by defecating on students’ food, defecating directly on top of PE numbers, and laughing. A scarecrow policy (of a notice of failure) – was ended after more students were frightened away than gulls. As such, students and teachers alike have appealed to the admin for a stronger hand.
“Force is necessary,” said Mr. Plaine Yingwith-Fire. “I’m proud of our administration for choosing to use laxatives.”
Indeed, the new policy, implemented in September 2024, aims to end seagull aggression by drugging seagull food–sending seagulls into a food coma at which point they can safely be removed from school campus, sent to zoos, euthanasia clinics, vets, and catch-and-release-(in-abkhazia-so-we-will-never-see-them-again) programs. “The plan is that we scare off most of the surface level bullies first. The more severe measures will be given to the hardcore aggressors,” Principal Bribe Dbythegese explained.
The laxatives have had starting success– dozens of birds have already started collapsing en masse over the school day–birds falling onto benchtops and rooftops after stealing fries, yogurt, bread, and other laced cafeteria food.
However, issues with this program remain.“There are just too many birds. We get rid of a few but the next day there’s double the number. And the more we remove the more they learn about our tricks,” Principal Dbythegese admitted.
Some of the students have also taken to eating the laxative laced cafeteria food, entering food comas meant for avians rather than teenagers, causing parents and teachers to be concerned about the state of education in the school.
“I was wondering why the cafeteria food tasted so good lately. I’m actually not that upset,” Imfail Inganyways (10) said once the reason for their frequent comas was explained. “It wasn’t too bad, and provided me a nice break from the horrors [of fifth period].”
Irvington’s administration is still adamant to continue the war against seagulls despite the concerns that plague them—particularly of some who criticise Dbythegese for focusing so much on seagulls when the issue of Canadian goose aggression is so much more prominent.
“The neglect of fighting off the Canadian goose invasion on our blacktops really speaks to Principal Dbythegese’s misplaced intentions,” Inganyways said. Principal Dbythegese disagrees with this accusation. To him, the Canadian geese are preferable to gulls and efforts are still going strong to invite geese and flies into an alliance against the birds
“It’s an ongoing fight,” Dbythegese acknowledged. “And we have a hard road ahead. But no matter what, we will win.”
