A Valentine’s Day Cupid-tastrophe
Spring’s arrival rejuvenated the birds and bees, but Irvington’s administration faced a dilemma when the new weather did not do the same for the school’s students. Irvington students’ sense of depression, downcastness, and discouragement had increased dramatically after winter break—not just with a rise in senioritis, but also juniorflenza, sophmolaria, and freshman herpes. In order to combat the lack of passion, the school admin chose a risky course of action: hiring Cupid, a seasonal child laborer, to spark love on Valentine’s Day.
Though Cupid’s skills in love-making remain superb, the cherubic god seems to have fumbled this time after some initial success: stirring attraction between two classmates with each other, a failing student with their homework, and one of the vent-rats with the charging wires of the school Chromebook.
“I knew something was off the second I felt a sharp pang in my gut, like a bee sting.” Carpé Bombing (12) recounted the moment he knew that something had gone wrong with Cupid. “It was dismissible at first, but then I felt a thousand of those arrows begin pummeling me like a light-speed hydraulic press. My classmates felt it too, and I knew it must have been Cupid. Anyway, the next thing I knew, I was kissing an expo marker.”
Cupid’s arrow barrages knew no difference between inanimate objects, students, and administrators, and so dozens of classes were love bombed at random.
Ieat Wood-Forsupper (11) described their own experiences, one amongst many, as: “One moment I was sticking gum to the bottom of my desk, the next I was asking it out to dinner.” In order to protect themselves, students took drastic measures—escaping school, declaring sickness, and locking themselves in temporary relationships to avoid the full impact of the arrows. Indeed, most of the students who were saved from Cupid’s arrows included those already in relationships, who were unaffected and had the luxury of falling in love with other human beings.
A particularly lucky freshman recounted their own exception. “I’m single, and I was hit with the arrow things too,” said Celibate Swipeleft-Noromance (9). “I don’t get what’s so hard about resisting it.”
Voice journalists attempted to question Cupid about the calumny but were unable to understand. One interviewer came back blinded, speaking in tongues before we were able to decipher their words. “I didn’t understand a word he was saying,” they said. “It was all Greek to me. Technically Latin.”
Overall, Cupid’s attack on the school was qualified as ‘a near war crime’ by experts, with casualty counts still being reported. Emergency counselling is to be provided for students who, in moments of love-induced delirium, had blurted out shameless things. Teachers, students, and parents are urging admin to provide an apology as well as to fire Cupid from his seasonal post. Although admin has refused to respond so far, rumors stir that a new board policy may eliminate Cupid from the hiring list.
