It’s that time of year again, when college students flock back to their alma mater, and teachers hide in the nooks of their classrooms, hoping not to be seen by the hordes of alumni.
Last Tuesday, teachers reported sightings of alumni flooding the halls, peeking into any room that looked promising. The linear algebra teacher was seen hiding behind his desk, and when approached for a comment, he quickly shooed us away, scared that we would attract attention.
This issue has gotten so bad that Irvington has considered constructing a new tourist welcome center with guided tours to divert the students away from the teachers. According to insider sources, there may even be a meet and greet with selected teachers. Several board members have proposed tearing down the courtyard as a solution, considering that nothing important has ever happened there in Irvington’s 64 years.
AP Literature teacher Ms. Kamala added, “It’s just too much. Students left and right, in the history wing, in the new building—they’re like a parasite. Do you think I want to see my student from last year who did nothing but play Brawl Stars?”
The student in question, Barthélemi Alphonse Bertrand Dieudonné (13), replied, “Honestly, it’s really disappointing. I worked really hard in Ms. Kamala’s class, but she doesn’t even remember my simple name. Is that too much to ask for?”
This normally wouldn’t be a problem if the alumni simply visited a teacher who actually wanted to see them and then left, but the problem is that many of these alumni have no purpose. They meander around the halls, preventing students from getting to their classes. One student complained that they were forced to take a detour through the history wing and around the new building just to get to the locker rooms.
An alumnus was seen standing in the middle of the courtyard with his hands outstretched, comically resembling Christ the Redeemer. Redeeming what? We’ll never know, but his little routine was abruptly cut short when the campus supervisor escorted him off campus on a golf cart.
Perhaps it is simply the chickens coming home to roost, but this phenomenon of purposeless alumni flocking back to Irvington has grown concerningly frequent.
