For the first time in its decades-long history, the award-winning TV show The Bachelor finally moved to Irvington High School, showcasing its first teenage star, Zev Swag (12). Swag, a graduating TA and boba addict, doesn’t look like a likely Bachelor star at first. 4’10’’, gap-toothed, and with a forehead that has clearly slammed against a desk table one too many times, friends and family of Swag were shocked when they heard that he was seeking out a partner and even more surprised when they realized people were willing to date him.
“I mean, raise your standards,” Swag’s sister, Riz Swag (9), said, “His only social media is Reddit.”
Swag is seeking a partner out of ten candidates, all eager to win Swag over in order to get an award of a 0.5-point boost on any exam of their choice. The contestants are mainly fellow seniors, although two junior contestants are also on the table.
A glance at each of the ten contestants will tell you all you need to know: half of them are acne-riddled, most of them are permed, and one looks suspiciously like the Botoxed version of Gavin Newsom, though we all have our faults — but all of them are eager to get that sweet, sweet extra credit. However, in order to get that extra credit, the candidates must perform a series of eight tasks over a period of ten weeks, a risky series of games that all carry the chance of failure. For every round, one student will be removed from the contestant pool, but a redemption is still possible in the 9th week when certain eliminated students are allowed to return in order to plead their case.
For Pickmi Blease (12), a contestant eliminated in the first round after failing to graph love letters onto paper using only log functions, this is exactly their hope. “I know I failed pretty miserably at step one,” Blease admitted, “But I swear I could do better in the later rounds. I mean, Game 3 Dramatic Acting? I do that all the time in my own bedroom with a bucket of ice cream.”
The games presented for this season of The Bachelor are intense and entertaining. Contestants are challenged to a variety of competitions, from sculpting the TA out of paper-mache to answering a pop quiz on the TA’s favorite activities (“He sleeps, eats, plays basketball, eats some more,” one junior contestant said. “I wasn’t aware the life of a senior could be so depressing and decadent at the same time.”), and seeing if they have chemistry with their potential spouse through working a chemistry experiment alongside them.
The show was a hit for both students and teachers, who, due to budget cuts, only had this one show to watch on the Teacher’s Only TV. Viewers praised the show as being intelligent and entertaining with a relatable cast.
“I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. The emotions running high, the drama, and the twists and turns — it was a great tense plot with the fifth game, that’s for sure,” Principal Likeand Subscribe said. “My only quibble is that on the serious love stuff, a lot of the students looked rusty.”
Principal Subscribe announced that they’d be willing to contemplate bringing back French as an elective to rectify the dire issue of the students’ lackluster romancing. Nevertheless, Irvington Bachelor contestants performed well and each gave their best for the competition. Principal Subscribe and others of the school board have announced that they’d even be willing to provide a bachelor’s degree for the final winner of the game.
