Are you an Irvington student looking to diversify your extracurriculars? Tried out for basketball but wasn’t tall enough? Is golf too boring? Introducing Irvington’s newest club: Cave Diving! We dive and explore everywhere in the depths of Irvington, except for actual caves, of course, which are way too recreational. Not too sure? Let us tell you about all the different destinations we offer. If you’re ready to leave your wife and 3 kids behind, let’s “dive” in.
- The gap between your friend’s teeth: Does your friend have a minimal gap in their front teeth? This is the perfect location for beginners. Familiar and easy for a first dive, just make sure to get permission from the intended diving location first, or else they’ll think you’re a human toothpick.
- Your teacher’s wrinkles: Now we’re getting a little riskier. Imagine you’re sitting through a boring, 2-hour class. Diving into your teacher’s forehead wrinkle is the perfect solution to pass the time. You may even be able to find some hidden treasures in that brain, like answers to that test you didn’t study for.
- Crush’s water bottle: This varies in difficulty depending on the brand of the water bottle. Stanleys are free real estate — the straw basically lets you slip right in. They’re much easier to navigate than those pesky cave areas full of sharp rocks and crevices that you need to break your ribs to fit into. Owala bottles are a mixed bag; sure, the “swig” part may be easy to fit into, but good luck with the “sip” part.
- Irvington toilets: We’ve finally reached the most difficult and musty dive site. Getting into the toilets requires a lot of willpower and discipline, not to mention that half of the toilets are blocked and out of order. Look out for stray Hot Cheetos and chi-chi fries on your journey. Additionally, if your toilet floods, you’re as good as gone.
We look forward to seeing all the new recruits at our general meeting on February 30. We will be holding an audition, and be prepared to end up in the principal’s office. Make sure to wear your nicest pairs of Nikes and Jordans so we can hold on to those for you when you inevitably disappear.
