NEET
/nēt/
An acronym for “Not in Education, Employment, or Training,” a person who is unemployed and not receiving an education or vocational training.
People like to throw around the word NEET like it’s an insult or some sort of bad thing. But me? I like to think on the bright side of things. I don’t have to worry about rent, 401(k)s (or whatever my mom keeps on talking about), or student loan debt. Who’s the real loser here?
My day starts at 1 p.m., as I wake up to the sound of my no-good, ungrateful mother yelling. “LUNCH IS READY IN THE MICROWAVE,” she hollers before leaving the house. As you can probably already tell, my mother is a miserable woman. She knows how much of a battle it is for me to hike downstairs, especially with all the weight I’ve been putting on lately (my mother says 310 is a tad plump for a large and handsome man of my stature).
Today’s lunch isn’t much: a plate of chicken nuggets and a bottle of Soylent. I’ve seen a lot of people on the internet say how bad Soylent is for you, but clearly the science and studies say that meal replacement is the future. Anyway, as I prepare to defend my favorite soy slop on various internet forums, I boot up League of Legends, clicking the mouse with my grubby fingers covered in chicken nugget crumbs.
As I load in, I’m overwhelmed with joy. There’s a new League announcement, and it’s absolutely wonderful. Riot Games has announced that they’re introducing an official line of League champion body pillows. My favorite champion has always been Neeko, and I’ve never been more excited about a body pillow before. (Before you say Neeko looks like a middle schooler, she’s actually canonically 180 years old, so our relationship is perfectly fine.). It’s a shame I’ll have to break up with my current girlfriend, Frieren, but a high-value man like me has options. What can I say? (Again, I know Frieren looks like a child, but according to the lore, she’s ancient, so I’m right, and you’re a bigot.). However, I’ll have to wait for my mother’s next paycheck before I can order my new girlfriend, so I guess Frieren is still with me for now.
After a few hours of intense clicking, I can feel my pants grow a little heavier. After scooting my way into the bathroom, I take off my pants and remove my diaper. It’s completely soiled, so I toss it out the window into my neighbor’s yard with disgust and put on a new, fresh pair. My mother only buys Pampers, as the other brands give my bottom a rash, and it makes my gaming sessions really uncomfortable. Trudging my way back to my room, I carefully step over countless piss bottles that have been sitting on the floor.
It’s been a long day, and I’m smelling a little pungent from all the spilled Hot Pockets and diapers. The idea of showering passes through my head, but then I remember: AXE body spray exists for a reason. It’s cheap and convenient, makes me smell great, and the ladies (my body pillows) love it. Rolling back onto my mattress, I let out a long fart that smells like a mix of Mountain Dew and Cheetos. It almost makes me hungry again, but I resist the temptation.
