A College Rejection Letter: Feels Real Bad

Justin Kim, Staff Writer

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Dear Applicant,

Thank you for applying to the Whaling and Fishing Industrial University of Utah. Our committee has met and decided that we, unfortunately, are not able to offer you admission into the Class of 2023. In reviewing your application, we learned that not only are you inadequate for this college, but are also absolutely useless in all aspects of life. Please, please, get your life together.

You have only taken AP Biology, AP Chemistry, AP Calculus BC, AP US History, AP Literature, and AP Psychology courses during high school. This is only 6 AP courses, which is about 9 AP classes short of our competitive applicant pool. We want you to be able to learn how to suffer in high school for four years and pay us astronomical amounts of money for a more difficult version of your courses. These courses show that you only put the minimum effort to achieve academic greatness, because the more AP classes you take, the more intellect and skill you must have to excel in life.

Also, not only were the number of courses not up to the requirement, your internships and volunteer work have no merit and could be performed by a dog. Gaining community service hours by picking up litter and purifying your city’s lake? Working as an assistant in a prestigious hospital and finding the cure to cancer during your free time? Saving a whole species from extinction due to a large amount of whaling present in the Great Salt Lake? Please, give us a break. Nowhere on your application do you even touch a whale let alone kill it. The mission of WFIUU is to industrialize the process of whaling and make it a mass production superpower in this current capitalistic economy. Our industrial and production managers almost gagged reading your goody two shoes efforts to help others. We are involved in training employees for cutthroat business. Don’t waste our time if you are not willing to dirty your hands.

To sum it all up, you’re inadequacy was your own downfall. We were honestly taken aback that you even thought of applying to WFIUU. The decisions are final and no appeals will be taken. If you have any questions, then too bad, we do not answer to snowflakes.

What have you been doing these past 4 years,

B. Aileen Wheal

Random Admissions Officer of WFIUU