Columbus Day? More like “Luckiest Mistake Ever” Day

October 10 marked the day where we celebrate the great Christopher Columbus, the founder of our nation. We students in the Fremont Unified School District are outraged that we do not even get a measly day off to celebrate this great figure in history.

And so what if coming to the Americas was a colossal mistake on his part? So what if Columbus actually meant to go to India to make loads of cash? We can just disregard all of that in light of all the great things that happened after his arrival. Just look at the good fortune he brought the Native American – disease, slavery, and displacement! Hurrah!

And what about the recognition he brought to this great nation? Thanks to Columbus, Europeans could take advantage of everything the Americas had to offer, reap the land, and occupy the homes of millions for economic benefit.

It is certain that without Columbus, this country would not exist. So celebrate Columbus day on your own time! Get lost on the freeway, forcibly enter someone’s home and declare that you live there, and give people that cold that’s been plaguing you for the last couple days. After all, what better way to pay tribute to this great historical figure than to emulate to be like him?