700 incoming freshmen are simply too much to handle

By Hugo Vera | Photo Editor

Next year, an unprecedented 700 freshmen will be joining Irvington’s student body, the highest number of newcomers in years. Researchers say this new wave of students endangers the entire school. Irvington’s hunting and breeding grounds are already crowded enough as it is, and the addition of even more students is simply going to upset the natural balance of order that so many students already cling on to. To mitigate the effects of this impending disaster, the IHS administration (known for their “innovative ideals”) has devised several solutions that the faculty hopes to use this year.

The first would be an “Irvington Hunger Games”. One freshman boy and girl from each advisory will be taken to the gym to fight to the death. Spectators can watch this savage display of malice and destruction for only five dollars. All proceeds benefit Senior Ball, so The Class of 2014 encourages you to come and watch freshmen kill each other for the crime of having been born under circumstances that were out of their control in the first place. In addition to said “Hunger Games”, the administration is reinventing The CCA Arts Magnet Program. For now on, all freshmen who cannot sculpt as well of Leonardo Da Vinci or dance as well as Justin Timberlake will be deported back to their school of origin without hesitation. Another innovative solution to the crisis will be for students to stack their desks on top of one another’s in a gratuitously unsafe and reckless way.

Lastly, there will be monthly “purges” for now on. During said “purges”, a gong will go off and for 53 minutes, all hate crimes against freshmen are legal. This allows for throwing freshmen in the garbage canister as well as getting them gratuitously nervous about Change presentations. With all of these combined efforts, Irvington freshmen are surely bound to be seeking asylum at Washington or Kennedy. Go Class of 2018!