Breaking: Acceptance rates to colleges have reached an all-time low


Johnny Depp

The Voice has obtained sad evidence of a senior unable to accept her fate.

Caitlin Chen, Editor-in-Chief

As the number of Ivy Leagues have remained the same and American couples have continued forgetting to use birth control, acceptance rates have sunk steadily downwards to compensate for the massive applicant pool. Accordingly, experts announced Wednesday that, based on the recent downward trends of admission rates, not one Class of ’17 student would get into college.

“Honestly, nobody from Irvington High is going to get in anywhere, not even Northwestern Polytechnic University. Not one student at Irvington High School discovered the cure for cancer,” explained a Harvard admissions officer, who asked to remain anonymous for fear that rejected candidates would come for his life. “Plenty of other students around the Bay have done far greater things. I believe one student at Amador Valley actually built a time machine.”

Acceptance rates around the world have reached an all-time low, with only one student admitted into Stanford this year, although the number of applicants reached a record high of 6 million domestic applicants and 17 million international applicants.

An Stanford admissions officer who asked to remain anonymous cited heavy outreach and advertising efforts as the reasons behind the school’s enviable acceptance rate of almost-0 percent.

“We’ve been campaigning pretty freaking hard everywhere,” the officer said. “We have actually individually spoken to each and every student in America and encouraged them all to apply, even the, well, less high-achieving students with mere 4.0 unweighted GPAs. In Russia and the Baltics, we slipped each student a $100 bill and just submitted blank applications for them.”

With this wide-reaching undertaking, Stanford has become the most desirable and selective college in the nation. In a press release, Stanford announced that it was attempting to work its acceptance rate down to zero.

“We actually could have had a 0 percent acceptance rate this year, but unfortunately we had to let this one kid in,” the officer said. “Her parents donate $20 million each year, and her nephew actually founded Stanford. We needed the money because we’re planning to cut down all of our old trees and plant brand new ones imported from Kyrgyzstan.”

With each wave of rejection letters, morale for seniors is sinking further and further, with many wondering what the point of it all is.

“I mean, I’m the president of 18 clubs, and four of them are actually legit,” senior Rishmeak Prmeeayashi said, rocking back and forth in a corner. “I’m also really busy at my job as an orthopedic clinical specialist for special-needs trout in Ethiopia. I perform surgery twice an hour, all while maintaining a perfect 6.9 GPA. I’ve published two books on asparagus and I’ve won four Olympic gold medals for curling. I really think that it was the damn SAT score that got me. I scored a 2500. I can hardly look at myself in the mirror.”

Several Top 20 schools also announced Thursday that they were planning to hire Pulitzer Prize winners to write rejection letters, feeling as though students retained too much confidence and self-esteem after reading their rejection letters.

“Yes, University of Pennsylvania kikked me a while back to see if I could help them with the Class of 2022,” said Lin-Manuel Miranda, who won a Pulitzer Prize in 2016 for the Broadway musical “Hamilton.” “They said that compared to the other Ivies, their rejection letters weren’t nearly mean enough. Students were crying an average of two gallons less when they received their rejection letters, and I’m planning to fix that.”

Miranda then dissolved into an incomprehensible stream of freestyle rapping, repeating the words “love,” “immigrant,” and “loser” several times.

Columbia University scientists announced that their research, which involved tracking 420,666 students over 50 years, suggested that by the year 2020, universities will have negative acceptance rates, actually kicking already-admitted students out.