Mike Pence disowns daughters


Ayush Patel

In the Pence family’s newly released family portrait, the Pence’s quickly edited out their daughters, as they are no longer part of the Pence family

Ayush Patel, Student Life Editor

Recently, Vice President Mike Pence announced that he never eats alone with any woman other than his beloved wife Karen. Pence stated that even his two daughters, Audrey and Charlotte, will no longer be exempt from this new rule. In order to stay true to one another, he and Karen decided that they will have to disown the two children.

“Karen is the one and only woman that I love,” Pence said. “Charlotte and Audrey waste my time and divide my emotions into loving all three of them. I have to stay focused on Karen.”

Mike and Karen initially decided to put their daughters up for an auction on May 31. However, they decided that it may be frowned upon by some liberals as “morbid” and “twisted.” Instead, the Pence’s put them up for sale on Amazon.

“For now, we’re selling them for 500 thousand dollars each,” Karen said. “We’re going to donate the money to various research, excluding climate change – whatever that is – embryonic stem cell research, and most definitely not HIV or AIDS cures.”

Audrey and Charlotte were mixed about their parents decision to sell them off.

“To be quite honest,” Audrey said, “I am politically independent. I couldn’t give a driving truck if Daddy sold me.”

On the other hand, Charlotte was quite disappointed that her parents are cutting her off.

“Wow, thanks Dad!” Charlotte passive-aggressively exclaimed. “Sucks that he supports gun rights, because guess who won’t wake up to see the sun again!”

Mike Pence’s lone son, Michael, stated that he couldn’t be happier when he found out that he would become a single child.

“I get to be the star child by default now,” Michael said. “So I couldn’t be more psyched that this is happening.”

The Pences also said that they’ll be selling off Audrey and Charlotte’s possessions. This way, they can buy all the food they can eat together (and only together) forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever. They further stated that they’ll donate a portion of this money to their pal Putin in order to give their thanks for securing Pence’s position single-handedly.

“Sorry, we have priorities in our lives,” Pence said. “My daughters aren’t even in the top 10. But being Vice President? That’s number two, just below my sweetheart Karen.”