Why Pineapple On Pizza is a Disgrace to Humanity


Atira Nair, Staff Writer

Have you ever anticipated opening a box of warm, delicious, cheesy pizza, only to find it polluted with pieces of cold, dead pineapple? If not, then let me tell you how that feels. It is the feeling of disappointment and shattered hope. Despite the fervent claims made by the pineapple-crazed beings, the truth remains that pineapple ruins the sanctity of pizza.

Pizza, with its tangy red sauce, warm cheesy surface, and vast variety of savory toppings represents the Hero’s Journey.

Pizza starts off as a sad piece of dough with plain cheese and vegetables, but after its journey into the burning, treacherous oven, it comes back as an enlightened piece of delicious food.

Pineapple adds a sickly, sweet flavor to a savory dish, ruining the overall taste, and bringing the pizza back to phase one of the Hero’s Journey, destroying the pizza’s progress to Enlightenment.

Experimenting on pizza is good, because it creates more possible savory flavors, however, adding a sweet fruit on a savory dish is pointless and spoils the flavor.

Pineapple on pizza is an idea that formed when a Canadian man named Sam Panopoulos thought to add a twist to an already-perfect dish. Instead of creating a new flavor, he created a monster. Pizza is a glorious gift bestowed upon us by the gods. This may sound like an exaggeration, but it is true. To add pineapple, a sweet fruit that has no place on a savory pizza, is to disgrace nature itself.

Even one of the most revered chefs of all time, Gordon Ramsay, refused to claim pineapple on pizza as a legitimate form of culinary invention, and thus, the case is settled: Pineapple on pizza is just wrong.