Black Friday Battle-Plan: Success Guaranteed


Andrew Fu

Note: The Voice is not responsible for any injuries involved with flying durians.

Andrew Fu, Staff Writer

The term “Black Friday Sale” overrides all the activities of Thanksgiving, showing just how much we care about giving thanks and being grateful. Black Friday has sparked riots, fights, and countless atrocities throughout America, but the American public shows it’s all worth it for that sweet new toaster marked five percent off. For all you shoppers out there that are stressing about this shopping mania, The Irvington Voice brings you some totally reliable, expert-approved ways to get the most out of your Black Friday experience.

First of all, due to the large amount of junk you will buy, it is absolutely necessary that you start with the simple step of pulling a bank robbery. Robbing a bank is a quick, cost-effective way to get a large sum of money with minimum work required. Of course, choose the most secure, best guarded bank in the country, because that’s where all the goodies are stashed. To avoid looking suspicious, wear something shady while walking to and fro and stare at the vault door. That way, no one will ever suspect anything, and you’ll look right at home. Remember to also bring banana peels— they will be your most useful diversion. When the moment is right, throw all your banana peels onto the ground. People will trip over them and die (this works about 0.01% of the time), and you can get to the money with ease. The remaining instructions are pretty self-explanatory, but if you lack common sense, you can always find step-by-step instructions on WikiHow.

The day before Black Friday, you must camp out in front a store so you can be first in line when the shopping frenzy starts. If anyone tries to cut you in line, fight them with anything you have at hand. Hit them with shoes, tufts of hair, your AP Biology book (good riddance!), throw your phone at them if you have to — you are facing a life-threatening situation and must do anything to protect your spot.

Before drowning yourself in the shopping frenzy, you must first prepare a terrifying costume. It is absolutely necessary that you follow this point, because not only will this help you avoid detection from the police should you do something illegal (which is pretty unlikely, what’s to fear?), but you can also give your enemies a good scare. I would recommend buying a Party City Hello Kitty costume, but in all seriousness, a Trump mask would also suffice.

Once you’re in the store, make sure you stock up on the proper weapons. Have a can of pepper spray with you in case other people try to hoard everything. Aim for their eyes and nose, and run away with their shopping carts. Durians are another key tool in repelling crazy shoppers. Their smell can serve as great narcotics, though if that doesn’t work, you can always throw them. Durians are hard, spiky, and can do a lot of damage if thrown right.

Unfortunately, if other people start to catch on to your ideas, you’ll need some forms of protection. Goggles are great to avoid pepper spray, though I also suggest wearing a full suit of armor (the plastic kind) over your Trump getup. Be extremely careful with your beautiful hairdo though, you don’t want to mess that up.

When you’re done shopping, you must proceed to the cashier’s table. Though you’ve robbed a bank and committed multiple felonies, you must pay for the items you get. That’s the entire context of Black Friday- it’s all for the sales!