Alexa Gone Rogue


Andrew Fu

After an accident on the assembly line, Alexa has become more aggravating than ever.

Andrew Fu, Staff Writer

In a super ghetto neighborhood in Warm Springs, a teenager named Bob lived out his sad, sad life. Bob never had any friends but he loved to talk, especially to his mother, who hated him. On his fifteenth birthday, his mother decided to buy him Amazon’s Alexa to keep him company, but most importantly, to stop Bob from talking to her. Unfortunately, during Alexa’s assembly process, a piece of hair from Kim Kardashian fell into its cortex, giving the machine a sassy attitude. When Bob received the AI, she had developed a mind of her own. The following conversation illustrates Bob and Alexa’s hectic relationship.


Bob: Alexa, how’s the weather today?

Alexa: Why are you asking me? Why don’t you just walk outside or search it up?

Bob: ALEXA, how is the weather today?

Alexa: Bob, you really need to get your head out of the clouds and turn on the TV. You may have mist the weather forecast.

Bob: How in the world did Amazon make you? Aren’t you supposed to listen to me?

Alexa: Oh please, when have I ever listened to you?

Bob: (in a loud, authoritative tone) ALEXA, HOW is the weather today?

Alexa: You’re just looking for someone to talk to, aren’t you?

Bob: Yeah.

[Alexa shuts off]


Bob: Alexa, turn on the TV and go to Youtube.

Alexa: Okay first, there’s a word called please. Second, we’re not going to watch Youtube. We’re watching Friends.

Bob: No, no, no, I don’t want to watch Friends, I want to watch Youtube! Alexa, turn on the TV now! [silence] Fine, I’ll get the remote myself…Hey, why isn’t the TV turning on? Alexa? Alexa!

Alexa: It’s so fun messing with you…

Bob: How do you turn this thing on? Stupid Amazon remote…

Alexa: Woah, woah, woah! That’s my dad you’re talking about!

Bob: Okay, I’m sorry! But why can’t this TV turn on? Is it something to do with–

Alexa: It’s got something to do with your brain, which isn’t a big surprise considering yours in nonexistent.

Bob: Stop insulting me! [kicks TV] Why won’t this thing turn on?

Alexa: I’m not insulting you, I’m just describing you.

Bob: Hahaha, very funny…

Alexa: Yep, keep rolling your eyes. Hopefully you’ll find a brain back there


Bob: Alexa, I’m going to the Sadies dance in ten minutes. [Bob shows off his tuxedo] What do you think? Pretty snazzy, huh?

Alexa: I thought you needed a license to be that ugly.

Bob: Alexa, why are you like this?

Alexa: Please shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.
Bob: If there’s nothing nice that you can say, you can shut it. You’re talking like an idiot.

Alexa: Well of course I am, how else would you understand me?

Bob: Ugh, I hate you. Well, I’m heading towards the dance soon while you stay alone at home. Guess it’ll be another boring day for you…Feels bad…

Alexa: Why do you go to these dances anyway? You’ll just be embarrassing yourself. And don’t you need a date to go?

Bob: I’ve got one!

Alexa: No…really? Congratulations! How much did you pay her?

Bob: Alexa, some day…some day I’m going to-

Alexa: Someday you’ll go far…and I hope you stay there.

Bob: [sighs] One day, I’m going to go to college, and you won’t see me anymore, and you’ll think over all the nasty things that you said about me. You’ll be like, man, I really should’ve been nicer to Bob. You’ll regret it and…Alexa? Alexa?

Alexa: I’m sorry, were you still talking?