a Zodiac Gift Giving Guide

Roxana Shahmohammadi, Staff Writer

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): Of course, you could always get Aries something they would actually use, but that’s boring and the easiest way to guarantee the wrath of Aries forever. Instead, get them a nice yodeling pickle (yes, that’s a thing) or a sequin pillow with Nick Cage’s face on it (also a thing). You get the point. If it’s the single stupidest and most useless thing you’ve ever seensomething you can’t imagine any sane person ever spending any money on—Aries are guaranteed to love it.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): You can kiss your money goodbye if you have to get a Taurus a gift. Tauruses have a refined and sophisticated taste, which means they’re stuck up and only like things that say Gucci on them. So if you don’t have a $1000 to drop on a single exotic potted plant, you have to get a little creative. Maybe pour some glitter in a jar and call it diamond dust. It’s not like anyone can tell the difference anyway.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): With how unpredictable Gemini are, you really can’t win no matter what you get. Might as well just save your money, you’ll need every cent after shopping for Taurus.

Cancer (June 21-July 20:  Cancer is an easy one. Give them the wrapper of the piece of gum you chewed on your last outing together with a cheesy sentimental note written on it, and their heart is going to explode with love for you. That wrapper will be framed and displayed proudly for everyone.

Leo (July 21-Aug 22): The more dramatic the better with this one. Leos are loud and full of themselves and eager to share it with the world, so no gesture is big enough. A billboard in their honor? A sold out concert where all their favorite singers sing songs about how great Leos are for two hours? That might work for a Leo acquaintance, but, for a close friend, nothing shorter than renaming the moon after them is good enough.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): As a lovely gesture for your Virgo friends, you can let them organize your home for you! Hours of entertainment for them and clean house for you! Win-win!

Libra (Sept 23- Oct 22): Since Libra will react exactly the same whether they love or hate your gift, there’s two ways you can go about this one. Either just get a nice mug with a cute saying on it and call it day, or spend years meticulously studying Libra’s every move in order to find the slight differences with how they react to things they love and the things they hate and buy that one perfect gift. It’s really up to you.

Scorpio (Oct 23- Nov 21): Set up a long scavenger hunt with nothing at the end. Not only will the hunt thrill Scorpios, they’ll call the end a profound statement on the meaningless of life and the universe.

Sagittarius (Nov 22- Dec 21): The best gift for a Sagittarius is perhaps just the adventure they so desperately crave. So buy them a one way plane ticket to the middle of the Amazon and leave them there to truly connect with nature. Maybe check back in after a week to make sure they’re having enough fun.

Capricorn (Dec 22- Jan 19): Capricorn probably spends most of their time doing boring work at a desk, so a stack of colorful sticky notes and highlighters will be the craziest thing they’ve seen in years.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): Record yourself banging some pots and pans together and call it avant-garde. Not only will Aquarians love it, they’ll probably find twelve metaphors in it within half an hour.

Pisces (Feb 19- Mar 20): Another very sentimental and emotional sign. Just reuse the recording you made for Aquarius, but, this time, call it a song you wrote specifically for Pisces. Be warned: you’ll have to deal with a lot of tears.