Justin Kim, Copy Editor

To those who did not have to endure Habitudes because their teachers thought it was stupid or forgot about it, Habitudes is a program made by a non-profit organization called Growing Leaders to give guidance to students and make their lives happier. While I applaud the school for actually taking steps to address the stress of students at Irvington, the Habitudes were way too corny and unrealistic to be taken seriously (an opinion across all listeners). Now here’s the part where I make fun of it:


Hi, Phil Swift here with Habitudes, the super strong depression-proof life lessons that can instantly patch, bond, seal, and repair your life together! Habitudes are no ordinary lessons. Their triple-cringe verbal vomit virtually welds itself to society, instantly fixing every problem in the world! 

Not expressing your true self can cause major damage, but Habitudes grip on tight and bond this emotional pain instantly! Plus, Habitudes’ powerful messages are so strong, they even have an iceberg metaphor: underwater! Now you can repair leaks in friendships and life without having to draining your wallet to buy the yearly iPhone that’s exactly the same as last year’s except with three, that’s right THREE, camera lenses to prove your material worth and hide your insecurities that you’re too much of a failure to get into a good college and make your parents proud! 

Habitudes is perfect for broken relationships, difficult classes, and chronic crippling depression! Habitudes is super strong, and once it’s on, it holds on tight to utopian world views that don’t apply in the soul-crushing world we live in! And for emergency mental breakdowns, Habitudes keeps its grip, even when it doesn’t provide any moral support of any sort! Big breakups can cause big damage, but Habitudes come super handy, so you can easily patch large emotional scars left by your ex-girlfriends who leave you for your best friend from high school!

To show you the power of Habitudes, I took this depressed kid out of class, and explained to him how to feel better only using the power of Habitudes! Not only does Habitudes’s powerful cringe drive away students from listening, but it creates a super-strong apathy towards the school’s effort to address mental health issues. Yee doggy! 

Just talk, inform, present ‘n preach things everyone has already heard a million times before in their lives and know are useless! Imagine everything YOU can do with the power of Habitudes! Habitudes™ is not responsible for any subsequent bullying or social outcasting because of your decisions to be yourself and lose all your friends. Please buy all of our lessons with precaution as we know that it’s a cash-grab with useless lessons that don’t take any action to address the actual problems that plague society today. Order now and you will receive 2 FREE Habitudes CDs and pamphlets with a year’s supply of antidepressants! Be happy, buy Habitudes!