Mysterious Substances Found Beneath Recently Paved Pavilion


Geoffrey Zhang

The hole Joe dug, taken moments before district officials kicked him out of the pavilion.

Geoffrey Zhang, Staff Writer

For the past few weeks, the school district has constantly repaved Irvington High School’s pavilion, claiming that the fire department had requested the cracked road be repaved 420 times for student safety. But what’s the real reason behind these repavings?

Last week, Marley Joe, an Irvington social science teacher, accidentally uncovered the truth. Joe was recently given a new excavator from the city government for his AP Archeology class to search for “jewels”. 

“For some reason, the city wrote ‘jewels’ with two ‘u’s, and no ‘e’s or ‘w’s. What a strange typo,” Joe pondered.

Finding nothing in the softball field, Joe decided to drive recklessly back to his classroom late last Friday, pressing random buttons to try to increase the speed of the excavator. Joe, however, had also accidentally pressed the “claw down” button, causing him to dig a hole into the school pavilion pavement.

“At that moment my morale took a hit,” Joe said, “The pavilion road was as smooth as stone before I damaged it, and I had put a hole in it the size of an herb-planting pot. But then, I noticed a weird, pungent smell coming from underneath the pavement.”
Joe had stumbled upon a pile of unmarked pipe-shaped containers, bags of green-grey dried plants, USBs, and cartons of liquid labeled C21H30O2. Joe was stunned. Who would be hiding pungent herbs and chemicals, and why? Joe decided to call the police, who redirected Joe to the school district investigation office.

“A few minutes later, some school district workers showed up, and began taping off the area.” Joe recalls, “I distinctly remember an official named Juan ask me who ‘Joe’ was. Before I could introduce myself, he replied, ‘Joe MAMA’ triumphantly.” Joe then remembers being forced to leave, but not before noticing puffs of smoke rising from the pot hole. When he got home, Joe felt dazed and confused, and noticed he had strained, pink eyes. In retrospect, Joe now blames his pink eye on his late-night TikTok binge on vape tricks.

When asked by The Voice on what exactly was being buried under Irvington High, FUSD Press Secretary Mary Juanita said bluntly, “Our Science Committee recently conducted experiments with biodegradable grasses and chemicals. During these experiments, test subjects began experiencing erratic behavior, and one of them fainted. In response, we decided to compost the herbs, as every other school district does with organic waste. We thought everyone knew about the district composting program. We never tried to cover it up. I’m sure everyone knows that these experiments are still happening with white powders, now too, right? The chunky, snowy white powder? We deeply regret the incident, but again, everyone should’ve known about this composting program. We even made a Minga post about it, so it should’ve been common knowledge. We’re just composting things at Irvington High. Recycle, Reduce, Reuse, children!”

For now, Joe has decided to stay away from the pavilion and instead dig around with his excavator in the field of weeds near his classroom. He has also been commissioned by other schools to find if any erroneous substances are present under their pavement.