Stop washing your hands. Like, right now.

Stop washing your hands. Like, right now.

Dr. Mahjong, Staff Writer

EVERYONE NEEDS TO STOP WASHING THEIR HANDS RIGHT NOW; it’s not good for you, it definitely doesn’t prevent any disease, and it contributes to two of the deadliest plagues to humanity: dry hands, and Jojo Siwa. In these stressful times, it’s easy to apply copious amounts of hand sanitizer to your hands, wash them five hundred times a week, and hope for the best. However, I, a professional and actual doctor, can confirm that washing your hands is useless, as it not only wastes water but actually deters you from getting superhuman abilities. 

Washing your hands means that you are buying more and more soap. This fuels the soap industry, which is the worst industry on the planet. The soap industry is controlled by the Illuminati and the Illuminati is controlled by JOJO SIWA. Every time you buy soap, you are indirectly contributing to another ugly bow scrunchie for her collection. Your money is going to a 5′ 9”, 16 year old that has the personality of a kindergartener and the hairline of my grandfather (not to hate on my grandfather but he do be having a wack hairline though). Your hard-earned money will be completely wasted, and to be honest, soap is overrated anyways. All you’re doing is exchanging your life’s work for a tentative promise that you’ll survive through the coronavirus or some other random plague- and, the thing is, you’re going to die anyways, so who even cares? Life is meaningless and everything is worthless and we’re wasting our time trying to pursue success in an endless, corporate wasteland.

Washing your hands also strips your skin of its natural oils. This is bad for you, according to Gwyneth Paltrow’s website. When you wash your hands, you are washing away all the layers of sweat and grease that have built up. This is, in fact, very bad because the sweat and grease will collide with your skin membrane’s cellular respiration photosynthesizers and make your outermost membrane softer. Everyone knows that soft skin is much more important than not getting corona. 

Washing your hands is also dangerous and distracting to school-aged boys. If they can’t focus on school when girls show their shoulders and knees, then god knows what will happen to them when girls start walking around smelling of “sensual vanilla” or some other smutty soap. In fact, girls should probably ignore basic hygiene altogether so as not to distract our precious boys from their schoolwork.

The most compelling reason to not wash your hands is that doing so will limit your chances of becoming the next Captain America/Superman/Hulk/Wolverine hybrid. Most people believe that washing your hands makes you immune to disease and therefore makes you healthier. However, according to very verifiable sources from, it actually makes you weaker, you little pansy. The only way to make yourself stronger by continuously contracting more and more diseases, thus building up your immunity and then reveling in your newfound powers. In the words of the great Dwight Schrute, another respectable and highly educated medical professional like myself: “I fear no germ. In fact, I encourage people to sneeze on me.” So go out there, take a working-class flight to Italy, get some cheesecake in New York City, go eat some bats in Wuhan, China, and do not wash your hands even once. And then have fun being a superhero.