Irvington Pole Vault Becomes Irvington Toilet Roll Vault

This past week, Irvington Track and Field had their first virtual meet. During this event held entirely on Zoom, no sport faced as many changes as the pole vault. At the meet, athletes set up the pole vault equipment within their own bedrooms. Through all these trials and tribulations, Irvington track managed to come in second place. 

Looking through the Zoom screen, judges would first inspect the athletes’ setups before letting them jump. “We wanted to make sure it was fair, so everyone had to make their poles out of the cardboard tubes left over from the toilet paper that the toilet paper hoarders had sitting around,” a judge said. “It’s not fair if someone gets to use a two-ply pole when some less fortunate athletes would be left with single ply.”

Beyond regulating the poles for the jump, the setting was also an important factor. “One thing that was impossible to control this tournament was all the participants who used their mattress as an extra propulsion mechanism,” the event organizer said. “The athletes would conveniently angle their camera so that the mattress wouldn’t come into view. This resulted in people jumping a few 5 feet higher on average.”

While organization may have been difficult, the different equipment was the least of the athlete’s worries. “My room has a ceiling fan, so every time I jumped, I ended up giving myself a haircut,” a nearly bald athlete commented. “Now whenever I go to online class, I have to wear a virtual hat.” Some other athletes attempted to circumvent the issue of having a low roof through a more DIY approach. “The roof really got in the way of my jumps so I decided to go with an open concept bedroom roof,” varsity captain Pauline Velt said. “I can now jump higher than before and also have a cute sunlight. The only downside is that I get hypothermia every night, but no pain no gain!”

Coaches were slightly disappointed with the results. “I told all of my students to get the extra springy mattresses to boost their jumps, but some of them chose the softer mattresses, so we didn’t perform as well as I would have hoped,” Coach J. Ump said. “Hopefully, next time, the students also buy a diving board off Amazon so we can reach new heights.” 

Overall, the Irvington Pole Vault team has had an impressive start to their season with a strong performance at their first virtual meet. Their next meets will also be online; however, there may be restrictions on the mattresses that athletes can use.