A new student club, currently dubbed the Sticky Boys, is making waves on campus as one of the few original and non-toxic groups at Irvington. In fact, the club’s name is currently temporary, as they anticipate changing it when the group ultimately dethrones ASG as the premier student organization.

Once an underground organization, the Sticky Boys were reclusive, only known by a few special elites. But after years of interacting with the surface-dwellers, the leaders, also known as the “stuck-ups”, agreed that, after 300 years of living in the shadows, it was time to spread its doctrines and become more present in the community. They believe that forming a deep and unbreakable bond with Irvington will help manifest positive energy toward things such as higher exam scores and college acceptances. 

Members meet twice a week and lay claims to areas of Irvington that they’d like to settle in, before coating themselves with sticky materials to attach themselves to the location of their choosing. Popular locations include the ceiling above Mr. Lee’s desk (in hopes of finding AP Chem answers), and, of course, the boy’s locker room for the free locker cheese. Whoever sticks for the longest is hailed as the new High Stuck-up, who has the power to run meetings and decide on new initiates introduced by the other members.

“We really try and stray away from strategic politics in the club,” said current leader #4756 (names are redacted per members’ request, so as not to disrespect the holy institution of Irvington). “We don’t have any stickers or social media campaigns, and it’s not a popularity contest or a false promise fest. We decide based on pure skill and dedication, which can’t really be said for the other clubs.”

Given recent turmoil surrounding SATs and college admissions, the club has begun to rise in popularity as new initiates have joined, under the notion that joining would eliminate the Old English passages from the reading section. #5637 was initially hesitant about joining, as she believed that her status as a female would prevent her from becoming an initiate. However she received clarification that the Sticky Boys club is open to everyone, but the name just had a better ring to it. Shortly after joining the club she underwent the initiation ritual, where she ingested half a bottle of Elmer’s non-toxic glue with the other recruits. Occasionally the High Stuck-up may choose other holy substances for recruits to ingest, including Gorilla Glue and Barry Bee Benson honey.

“Hopefully, by sticking next to the tampon machine in the girls’ bathroom I can get into a good college,” says #5637. “It doesn’t really matter whether the deadlines have passed and I didn’t submit anything. What matters is that I have a deep connection to Irvington and by doing this and sticking it out, I’ll get accepted as a reward for my commitment.”

Other initiates also expressed their hopes that their dream college acceptances would come to fruition purely by becoming detached from responsibilities and sticking to important things instead. 

The club has taken its increase in popularity as an indication of its perfection, and believe that if any changes were to be made it would disrupt the channeling of Irvington’s energy. Thus it seems that the Sticky Boys will be sticking to what it does best.