Pfizer and Moderna? More Like Passion Fruit & Mango


As America approaches its one year Covidversary, animosity towards the American government and healthcare system grow; while other nations such as Germany and New Zealand have been seeing COVID cases dwindle, the number of deaths in America has only grown. one would think that the success of these nations in dealing with the pandemic would be tied to the fact that they have competent and professional leaders rather than a fat orange crybaby, but undercover journalists here at The Voice have uncovered the truth: the secret to healing people from the pandemic is something much more logical.

Our highly trained spies have come in contact with a cabal of the most highly esteemed of all medical professionals, Those People Who Post Random Medical Advice On Whatsapp. Their leader, B. S. Ingthis, has gone on record to reveal that Whatsapp medical information is so coveted that those lucky enough to be privy to it should immediately implement all advice found on the site. 

“The hope is,” elaborated Ingthis, “that since the information seems so strange, enough people dismiss it so as to not arouse suspicion of how it’s so accurate.”

Ingthis, the very picture of health, reveals that he has tried it all: drinking tablespoons of lemon juice in the morning, adding copious amounts of turmeric into literally every meal possible, and eating nothing but walnuts to improve brain function. “It works because walnuts are shaped like brains. So they help your brains. I’m basically Rick Sanchez now. Nobody likes me because I am very intelligent.” 

After much experimentation, involving a very scientific process in which infected humans were secretly fed a variety of concoctions, it was finally concluded that the most effective cure to the Coronavirus was under our noses this whole time. Unfortunately, the exact details of the study can never be revealed because it is, in fact, illegal to sneak into a hospital and put random stuff in the patients’ food. People just never noticed because they were too busy climbing over each other for toilet paper to pick up a bottle of Costco multivitamins- and that was, perhaps, our first mistake. Actually, the first mistake was getting so worked up over a dead gorilla that we screwed up an entire presidential election- but the Harambe to COVID conspiracy discussion is for a later time. 

“The fruit flavored ones are particularly effective,” Ingthis gestures to a Very Berry Healthalicious bottle, “Especially grape and apple, because they have antioxidants.”

It should be noted that none of the claims that Ingthis made regarding the efficacy of different flavors were verifiable. The point is that everyone’s gonna start seeing posts on Whatsapp about taking Costco gummy vitamins to spread the knowledge. Furthermore, all other messages on Whatsapp are definitely true as well- several individuals tried a weight loss remedy and lost so much weight that they basically disappeared.  So eat those walnuts! Down those lemon juice shots! And, most importantly, stop wearing those ugly masks and start eating grape flavored Very Berry Healthalicious gummies to flatten the curve!