“RED.” Three letters that while seemingly harmless at first, combine to create the most preposterous thing known to humanity. People claim it to be the color of blood and roses, but they don’t realize the predicament they put themselves into. The “color” red, in fact, is not a color but actually something ominous trying to disguise itself that has been propelled by the firetruck industry to remain relevant.

The most obvious sign that this is truly not a color stems from the simple two-word phrase: “red sus.” The recent boom in Among Us has made this aptly clear. From often being the impostor, to trying to shush people at the beginning of the game, it’s clear that a red character is never to be trusted. Our metacognition and instincts tell us that this shade is unnatural. It does not belong because it does not truly exist. Among other suspicious red things, there is the phenomenon of beetroots. It’s a common fact that beetroots are not actual vegetables but a substitute for real food. This false pretense adds to two equations: 

1. Beetroot = fake
2. Red = Beetroot 

Therefore:

Red = fake

All this has made it abundantly clear that red is not only unreal, but also insane in general. So why do we still accept it as a part of our daily lives, when it clearly doesn’t belong?

The simple answer: firetrucks. Ever since Apple (a “red” fruit, mind you) created Siri, we have constantly been bombarded with people who ask her “why are firetrucks red”? While Siri seems to produce a funny answer, there is something more sinister afoot here – a collusion between Apple and firetrucks to keep two words stuck in your head – ‘firetruck’ and ‘red’. Luckily for us, when we pay attention to the question, we are able to uncover the truth. The question itself states: why are firetrucks red? In other words, we are still questioning why red exists subconsciously, despite the perpetrators of this scheme thinking otherwise. After all, have you ever seen a firetruck that’s not red or asked Siri why those exist? The simple answer—no, you haven’t.

Oftentimes, we still fall into the trap of believing ‘red’ simply because it’s considered a “primary color.” Well, I’m here to tell you that this is absolutely wrong. This is simply a lie people tell themselves because they wish to remain happy. Do not succumb. Many also complain that they’ve never seen a ‘non-red’ firetruck. Well, I’m once again here to tell you- WRONG. There are, in fact, firetrucks ranging between various beautiful shades, such as bluish blue and yummy yellow. Take these for fact instead of what you think you see?

Quick tip: Is the word red still stuck in your memory? Don’t you worry, there’s more than one way to fall out of that trap. Think of what red stands for – REDacted. That clearly means that something is amiss. Get that stuck in your head instead.

Now that we know the truth, what do we call this shade instead? What is the closest color to “red”? Without a doubt, it’s orange, the most irritating color in the entire spectrum. To combine red’s sus nature as well as its annoying attributes, we will call this monstrosity dark orange, or DOrk for short.