It’s 2021. Covid-19 is a hoax, vaccines have Bill Gates microchips, and Donald Trump is still President. The lies those in authority have been telling us have, at long last, been brought to light. In the spirit of this season, we at the IHS Voice have been doing a little investigating of our own, right here at the Irvington campus.
One thing that is clearly out of the ordinary at Irvington is the state of the fire alarms. Since the beginning of the school year, they have gone off more than 7 times, almost all of them being false alarms (except that one that may have been triggered by someone smoking weed in the bathroom). At first glance, this may appear to be a harmless technical malfunction, but detailed analysis reveals something far more troubling.
The very first fire alarm that went off elicited a standard response – everyone immediately abandoned their things, went outside, and followed the predetermined evacuation procedures. By the fourth or fifth alarm, the reaction had become much more lethargic; many students simply continued with their routines, and some teachers didn’t bother pushing them to evacuate. One teacher, who will remain anonymous, told our investigative journalism unit that “they’re desensitizing us.” Another went even further by stating that “nobody cares anymore.” If this trend continues, there will come a day when the unending screech of the fire alarm will simply become background noise, thoroughly ignored by all. And when that happens, the threat of a real fire will loom large. It’s all exactly according to plan.
Imagine the scene: sparks fly, lighting up a strip of wall. Flames spread rapidly, engulfing classroom after classroom. Fire alarms blare, but they are ignored. The blaze tears through the school, torching everything in its path, turning human flesh to dry ash. The casualties are in the thousands. And somewhere, someone rejoices.
Who would want to burn down the school? The possibilities are endless. ASG might wish to wipe the collective memory of the 100:1 dislike to like ratio from their last rally. One of Ms. Chung’s students may decide that self-immolation is the best way out of getting a C in the class. Former teacher Mr. Delmar Gomez may want revenge on the school for ending his storied career. Figuring out the exact identity of the architect of this red-hot scheme is best left as an exercise for the reader.

Disclaimer: This is a satire piece, but that does not mean everything here should be taken lightly. There is (obviously) no plan to burn down the school, but the issues caused by the fire alarm system are real – and could actually cause a disaster in a true fire situation. Also, ASG, we love you.