Fremont, California was recently named WalletHub’s “happiest city in the United States” for the second year in a row, shocking most residents of Fremont, California. The IHS Voice initially set out to determine what drug the sample population ingested so that we could contact the FDA and request that its approval be retracted immediately. Upon further investigation, however, it seemed that something more sinister than substance abuse was at play; when interviewing participants in the survey, interviewees verbally indicated that they enjoyed living in Fremont, but their body language expressed severe distress. Throughout the course of the interviews conducted over Zoom, they kept stammering and sweating through their clothing, continuously glancing towards the corner of the room with a nervous expression. In fact, only one individual claimed that they were dissatisfied with their residency in Fremont. Here is a transcript of their interview:

I: No, I don’t like living in Fremont. It’s like watching a never-ending, unskippable State Farm commercial. Anyone who says they like it here is either lying or suffering some kind of Stockholm Syndr- [TIRE SCREECH] [MEN YELLING] [GLASS SHATTERING] [GUNSHOT] [CAT SCREAMING] [LOUD STATIC]

Because of the peculiar nature of this interview, the IHS Voice decided to investigate the matter further. For some reason, however, every time a journalist indicated that they were close to uncovering the truth, they would mysteriously disappear. Their notes on the investigation would be stained with some sort of strange red substance, making it difficult for the next staff writer to continue working where the previous writer left off. This delayed the process significantly, but we are pleased to report that we are back on track.

Historically, many residents of Fremont lived very interesting lives prior to their residency here; teachers at Irvington High School alone have escorted celebrities along the red carpet or traveled to over ten nations and volunteered for Greenpeace. Meanwhile, most people living in the Bay Area outside of Fremont are hesitant to even consider moving near the city.

“Well, one of my friends is looking to move and I suggested she check out open houses in my neighborhood,” said a resident in Warm Springs. “At the mere mention of the word ‘Fremont,’ she turned as white as a sheet. She was very clearly shaken.”

While it is unsurprising that many may display a distaste for the city, such a response is particularly unusual—or so we thought. In fact, most people who know of Fremont dislike it, and even loathe to say the name of our city: “It’s worse than ‘moist’,’” stated an anonymous (millennial) source.

Yet, Fremont continues to draw hordes of homeowners—but does it draw them in, or are they trapped? As previously noted, nobody displays a willingness, or even an interest, in moving to Fremont. The residents have lived fabulous lives, yet they now reside in a city where the main attractions include a hike up to the most boring view in the entire San Francisco Bay Area, or a mall that looks like a set from an Alfred Hitchcock movie. It’s almost like they’ve made a deal with the devil—to have fun in their twenties in exchange for spending the rest of their lives—

[TIRE SCREECH] [MEN YELLING] [GLASS SHATTERING] [GUNSHOT] [CAT SCREAMING] [LOUD STATIC]