It’s widely known that the school lunch chocolate milk causes indescribable effects on the human body, much of which are unknown to scientists and incurable through modern medicine. Take the fellow Putin for example – he had an epiletic seizure after consuming the glowing chocolate milk! 

To understand more of the adverse effects of consuming this glowing substance, we requested interviews with National Geographic and the FDA. However, both National Geographic and the FDA were too frightened to enter a distance within 3 miles of the chocolate milk, so we got interviews with the cafeteria ladies instead. 

“The chocolate milk is perfectly safe to drink,” is not what the cafeteria lady said. What she actually said was, “How would I know – I stay away from the chocolate milk more than AP Calc students stay away from Infinite Campus.”

“I accidentally gave a student chocolate milk instead of juice,” said another cafeteria lady. “I still feel guilty about it till this day. I pray that I will be forgiven for such wrongdoing.”

Freshman of Irvington are commonly known to be gullible (rightfully so), but even they aren’t foolish enough to make the mistake of choosing chocolate milk. Instead, the freshman deviously lick multiple juice boxes. Rumor has it, the punishment for taking multiple juices if caught is to actually drink the chocolate milk. That may not be COVID safe, but the malaria in the chocolate milk will be more fatal to the poor student before COVID takes effect anyways. 

“I once saw a student drinking a chocolate milk behind the new building,” said an anonymous senior. “I think she had just finished writing a Hallford in-class essay the period before, so that may have been why. I haven’t seen her since.”

The chocolate milk is apparently purchased from local retailers, but the cow on the carton may tell a different story. If we analyze all the dark spots on the cow, we can accurately identify the cow as a Libra. This directly leads to the cow trying to tell us how he’s being trapped in Montana and used for milk. 

Although we have a good idea where the milk is coming from, the ingredients of the chocolate used in the milk are still unknown. Here’s what students of Irvington think where the chocolate flavoring is produced.

“Who are you?” said an anonymous sophomore. “What the hell is the Irvington Voice? I don’t even go to Irvington!”

“I truly believe the chocolate flavoring is created wherever the school pizza is made,” said an anonymous freshman. “They both made me puke at least once this year. But school lunch is free, so I will continue to eat it everyday.”

Avid school lunch consumers, please beware. Do not make the lethal mistake of accidentally grabbing a chocolate milk instead of a juice. Safety first, everyone.