Pssst…you! Yes, you. Get over here now. This is a time-urgent, highly sensitive, government-restricted, kept-under-wraps and double-wrapped-in-cellophane-and-bubble-wrap confidential matter. I’ll make it fast. 

By no means should you ever, ever disclose the information I’m about to share, except for the only situation in which you should disclose this information, which is to get the word out immediately about this crucial matter. I have within my full disclosure government-stamped proof that something, for some unknown reason, somewhere, because of someone, is happening at Irvington. 

Dossier #1: Bad things are happening all around us for reasons we can’t comprehend. 

Irvington kids are consistently ranked above the average state intelligence in standardized testing. There’s definitely something unusual going on at play behind the scenes. (Get it? Because the behind-the-scenes of a play…ok never mind.) As in mind control-, on drugs-, or brainwashed-type unusual. In fact, according to the Ew Research Center (ERC), “Irvington students are 68% more likely to purchase erasers than the average high schooler.” 

Dossier #2: Very bad things are happening everywhere. 

Additionally, has anyone noticed a nation-wide increase in the incidence of “fake news,” first proposed by Donald Trump? Who is Trump really, anyway? Is he even a real person? Or is that just another piece of fake news that they want us to believe? And if our president is fake, what else is? Is the whole world fabricated?? Are we lab rats in their experiment???   

Dossier #3: Very, very bad things are happening. 

Time, time is a construct, and have you ever thought about how the schools changed all the clocks to digital clocks a few years back? What could 6 million dollars be used for…other than to cover up a time warp? We’ve probably been here for years without even realizing it. Every time the clocks “break,” they’re time warping us again. 

Dossier #4: Terrible things are happening.

Ihscaughtyousleeping was the first to report on it, but since then, we’ve all recognized the sinister forces at play. We feel sleepy all the time, and who else lags in real time? Zombies. The conspiracy theorist organization Kill, Love, Or Hit (KLOH), which has done research on every variation of the game “Kiss Kill Marry,” generally agrees that those who we choose to “kill” become zombies that come back to feast on our minds. Everyone here is dead, and we’re in purgatory for past crimes we don’t even remember. 

Counter-Dossier: Ghost things aren’t happening. 

Response: Yet. As reported by Astral-Terrestrial (AT), ghost things can happen at any time in any given place. It’s Murphy’s Law. 

Based on my extensive research into this matter, I’ve reached a very serious conclusion. THEY’RE ALL CONNECTED!!!! There’s a clear indication that something horrific is taking place on the grounds of Irvington high school, something ominous, something foreboding, something dark building up to something even worse. But what? And who? 

Well, you see, I’ve mapped out each and every point to determine exactly when, where, who, how, and why this is occurring. Got it? Good. Now don’t tell anyone. 

There has to be some organization that has detected it and is taking action…an organization which has been around for a very long time and knows all the inner workings of the school…

P. S. Acronyms, acronyms, acronyms, anagrams- oops, sorry, I meant acronyms…