Seven-Year-Olds Can Do Calculus Better Than You


High-school aged adults having a calm conversation about conic sections.

Teenagers today only want one thing, and it’s disgusting. It seems that all anyone these days is talking about is how they can master differential equations. That’s right, Calculus is the newest teen sensation that’s sweeping the nation. Gone are the days of social media and Euphoria; all any kid ever talks about is if the limit of the function exists. To figure out just how deeply the calculust has embedded itself in Irvington students, we went undercover at the hottest new teen hangout, CooMawn. 

To get the scoop on why vectors sound like the bad guy from Despicable Me, we forced one of our Staff Writers to walk in and pretend they were bad at math. “I don’t know why they told me to pretend,” said writer Faye Lure. She then proceeded to show us pictures of her display case full of “Worst Competitor” Math Club competition trophies, claiming they were her “most prized possession.” We didn’t even know that was possible. Carrying the weight of her obvious failures as an Irvington student, she walked into CooMawn (or The ‘Mawn as all the cool kids call it) and asked the staff what a derivative was. 

“They immediately sat me down at a desk,” said Lure. “When I asked if they wanted payment upfront, they told me they give large discounts to ‘students in need.’”

Lure found herself at a large desk with two other students, both aged 7. You may be thinking, Surely these kids were there for help with long division or adding fractions? Absolutely not, this is Fremont; they were there for Calculus, obviously.

“I think the largest reason for this surge in math knowledge among young kids is due to the Common Core program,” commented staff member Matt H. Way. “Ask any teacher about the Common Core program, and they can tell you that no one has the slightest idea what it even is. It did, however, serve as an incentive for overzealous parents to force their kids to get into a good middle school. How can any self-respecting future DECA kid expect to make it in the world if they haven’t learned parametric equations by the ripe old age of 11?”

While our Staff Writer feigned an inability to complete even the simplest of trigonometric integrals, the tryhard second-graders did so with unfathomable ease. 34×34 matrices were no match for prodigy Fo Toemath, who has undergone extensive Calculus tutoring since birth. 

“I may not be able to read a chapter book or cross the street by myself, but I sure as hell can graph a transcendental function!” exclaimed Toemath, who later launched into a progressively more detailed rant on the strange properties of the FUSD cafeterias’ chocolate milk. “My friend took a sip and said he met ‘the hat man.’”

Possibly psychedelic dairy products aside, CooMawn has created many new opportunities for people who are willing to work for (at least 95% less than) minimum wage. 

“I love teaching other people because I get to earn $10 dollars an hour,” claimed seven-year-old Tana Gent while holding up a dime. No one tell her the truth, please.

In fact, with the rise in gas prices, both parents and hiring managers have found it more economically efficient to hire kids in place of tutors. After all, kids are basically free carpool lane access, and with the money they make, they can pay for their own gas usage. So, Toemath now finds himself spending his time after school and on weekends teaching Calculus to underprivileged kids (read: people not in Double Accelerated math). 

An extremely vociferous parent wearing a shirt that read, “PLEASE LET ME IN” appeared to be locked outside the learning center. While this parent will not be named due to legal reasons (the legal reasons are I Am Afraid), she said, “I expect my son to put the slay in Slader.”

And slay he will. While Calc is all the rage, many other kids have decided to get a headstart on high school and have now formed clubs such as DECA Jr. and Mock Mock Trial. With any luck, Generation Alpha will have great success in their college applications due to their outstanding commitment to extracurriculars.