Totally (Not) Real Love Advice


A totally real love advice section.

*DISCLAIMER: Yolotl has taken a break from the absurd number of letters being sent in for the column. Hence, I, Yodeling Cat, will take their place. My credentials? As valid and trustworthy as the teachers at this school, of course! How dare you doubt my abilities to properly run this advice column? 

Dear Yodeling Cat,

I  don’t know how to woo the person I like 🙁 :hart_brocken_emoji: What should I do? It’s like they can’t see me and I feel myself spiraling down into a pit of despair each day they don’t acknowledge me. What do I need to do to get their attention? I would willingly do ten somersaults and a barrel roll into the wall in front of them if that meant they’d spare me a look.

Crying in the club,

This Is So Sad Alexa Play Despacito

Dear This Is So Sad Alexa Play Despacito,

I know violence is always an option, but not against yourself it isn’t. Shaking my head. Luckily, you have me to whip you back into shape. Be grateful for this advice. One: Write love poetry. But you aren’t like other girls, right? Instead of stanzas, only write one line. One line only to convey all your emotions and your trepidations and your sorrows. It doesn’t even have to be grammatically correct! My favorite type is when you keyboard smash your feelings onto the paper. It’s very cathartic and poetic! Two: You can serenade them in the dead of night under their (nonexistent) balcony with a broken, untuned guitar and absolutely no idea how to play said instrument! Bonus points if you have never taken music theory class and have never sung before. I guarantee you a success rate of 110%. Beware of the potted plants they’ll drop onto your head, though!

Brevity is the soul of wit,

Poet Cat

Dear Yodeling Cat,

I finally have a girlfriend! She’s smart and sweet and nice, but I can’t get enough sleep because I’m always thinking of her at night. So, then I go to class and my classmates laugh at me because I don’t have the attention span to concentrate in class due to a lack of sleep and my girlfriend on my mind 25/8. What should I do? Please send help!!!

Woe is me,

Sleep-Deprived Simp

Dear Sleep-Deprived Simp,

First of all, this is your problem. Not mine. But because I am so benevolent and altruistic, I will provide you with some very useful advice. Continue doing what you’re doing. As a wise man once said, “Invest all your time and effort and energy into this one-time high school relationship and ignore everyone” (Source: trust me, bro). If you take this into consideration and do exactly that, I guarantee that you will no longer be teased by your classmates because if you don’t see them, then they simply Do Not Exist! Second of all, you are down so bad. Good for you, good for you. 

Totally credible love expert,

Dr. Cat