Nuclear weapons are among the oldest companions of mankind. Six thousand years ago, when the world was newly made, every man took with him a Little Boy or Fat Man to accompany him on the hunt. It is no surprise, then, that these ancient and wonderful devices have been dubbed with the apt moniker of “man’s best friend.”

 As readers experienced in Constitutional law will no doubt recognize, the Czech Charter of Fundamental Rights and Freedoms contains within it a passage which implicitly vests the right to bear arms. Nuclear arms, naturally, are included. Sadly, most people do not have the industrial or mechanical expertise to construct nukes on their own. But nations, as representatives of the people, do possess that ability. The U.S Supreme Court Case Citizens United v. FEC found that rights granted to the people can also be applied to corporations; as large conglomerates with substantial cash flow, nations can reasonably be described as such. Thus, by Czech constitutional law, every country has an inalienable right to nuclear weapons.

Yet in the modern world, we are faced with a grave injustice: the large and powerful nations have stolen from the smaller ones their natural right to wield weapons of mass destruction. To that end, we propose a solution that will restore this birthright, with the negligible side effect of achieving world peace and (even more incredibly) giving the UN a purpose.

Our proposal is as follows: The United States and Russia shall immediately collaborate to provide every nation in the world with one singular nuclear missile with a yield of at least 20 kilotons and not exceeding 20 megatons. Two ships, bearing the names USS UN and USS UN ALSO, shall be permanently floating in international waters, housing these missiles. The ships will be obligated to fire them upon request from any nation, at any target, at any time. Each ship will house half of the nuclear arsenal, so that all of them cannot be destroyed in any accident or rogue attack.

Due to the principle of Mutually Assured Destruction (MAD), nuclear powers have never fought a major war against each other. With every nation slated to become a nuclear power, war will soon become a thing of the past. The threat of nuclear armageddon hovering in the air will defuse even the most impassioned disputes and force a diplomatic solution. 

Additionally, the UN can use nuclear weapons as a means to achieve international goals that have been neglected for decades. For example, the reward for improvement in clean water might be an extra nuke, or a yield upgrade on an existing nuke. The same could be done with crime rate reduction, or disease eradication, or any other global issue. An improved nuclear arsenal, and its corresponding boost to national security, is worth its weight in gold; there is no better motivator for nations to fulfill their assigned goals. As insane as it sounds, greater nuclear proliferation can make us all safer and happier.

Some people may read this treatise and think it is a joke, or as some call it these days, a ‘meem.’ I’ll leave it up to you to figure out whether it is so. But regardless, if it works, it works.