Every shoe has a place and home at Irvington High School. With various colors, shapes, and sizes to choose from, students have unlimited potential, but lack creativity when it comes to their choice of footwear. As such, there are stereotypical shoes that must be rated…and shamed. As a resident shoexpert, I have come up with the one and only definitive ranking of shoes and their owners at Irvington:

Number 5: Those really bright, neon-hued Nikes that no one asked for. Wearing these shoes are a great way to advertise that you do, in fact, have feet. Besides this one very useful and necessary pro, there is absolutely nothing else going for the shoe. Other than the fact that it tells me that you were not loved as a child. Did you want to be a highlighter for Christmas? Why do you want to be the center of attention so badly? Who are you, really? At any rate, it’s okay. Someone will tolerate you for who you are, eventually.

Number 4: Definitely not last, are white shoes from some generic brand. Clean for approximately 3.5 days, before someone stampeding across the freshman hallway stepped on them. You were so close to getting your life together when you bought this pair of shoes. You know what they say: new year, new you, new shoes. On the bright side, your shoes now have some color to them, probably. Definitely an aesthetic. Unlike your messy life probably. Sorry, too close to home? It’s okay, buy a new pair of these white shoes, you’ll feel put together again. 

Number 3: Shoes with Straps. If you wear these, jail. The only reason this isn’t at the bottom of the list is that I don’t like giving irritating things attention. So right in the middle, where it won’t do anyone harm. Wearing strapped shoes means one other thing: you have a rolling backpack. Disgusting. The most insidious creatures to roam Irvington hallways. Who let you have the audacity? So if you’re wearing these, please don’t. My eyes can’t take it anymore. And for the sake of everything good about humanity, please try to be a better human being.

Number 2: These are one of my personal favorites. Slides and socks. The perfect combination for both summer, where you can reveal a bit more of your foot, and winter, with nice socks to keep you warm. Fuzzy socks, colorful socks, the possibilities are immense. Trendy and innovative in combination. Yet, it lacks a sense of daring and courage. A bit of hope and love. And that’s what the last option provides.

Number 1: Crocs. Classic, daring when you add some socks. They may seem normal on the outside, but they become a truly magnificent sight to see when Irvington roofs pour down with seasonal winter storms. Drenched in water, it emanates warmth, bravery, and courage. Those holes where you can see people’s feet crying for help. Absolutely astounding. People like that are the ones who will succeed in life.