Breaking News: The Irvington Perm Clone Factory, exposed in issue 31.2 of The Voice, has expanded their reach to a newly discovered part of the haircut community. You can now get a fresh middle part at the book room and the wellness center for $10, (accounting for inflation).
Since we last talked to the Perm Factory, the factory’s management team has made several changes to how it operates, starting off with a change in leadership. Mr. Taul Bohnson, introduced in last year’s issue, was a perm veteran and expert in the field. The Voice is sorry to announce that Mr. Taul Bohnson retired from his position as perm factory manager at the end of the last year, with some speculating that the inclusion of middle parts may have been his last straw. His legacy of the original perfect hairstyle will continue on withinThe Irvington Perm Clone Factory as they continue with their attempts to monopolize the hairstyle industry at Irvington, and will be carried out by their new factory manager, Mr. Jerry Kurl.
Mr. Jerry Kurl watched the The Irvington Perm Clone Factory very closely last year, and reported that he always wished for something more in the establishment. Mr. Kurl works in the history department of Irvington, and said that his main motivation around the Perm Factory is to “make history.” He noted that “being part of the APUSH curriculum when it comes to revolutionary haircuts” is one of his main goals. This year, he hopes to perfect the “recipe to a middle part” and “add more options to the ‘Fire Cuts’ list posted on the factory’s Instagram”. When interviewed, he also hinted at their marketing changing in upcoming months, but denied to make any further comment.
Bartholemew Blonde (12), a satisfied customer of the The Irvington Perm Clone Factory from last year and this year, snuck The Voice an insider tip on the marketing of the Perm Factory. He reported that the Perm Factory has “secretly taken over the wellness center,” and that they plan to “send kids to the center” to get their new cuts. According to The Old Yurk Times, 85% of the world’s population is affected by low self esteem, and this boost of confidence may be the key to helping Irvington’s epidemic of mental health.
Along with new leadership, The Irvington Perm Clone Factory has also changed their target audience with the addition of middle parts. Customers still rep thin-rimmed glasses, but have moved onto cargos, Adidas track pants, and Playboy shirts. Reports from a study conducted by The Voice show that half do not understand Playboy and the message of the brand. We speculate that their parents are not aware of such beliefs as well.
Similar to before,beyond a fresh haircut, an experience in the factory provides extra boosts to customer’s egos and perceived self worth. After receiving their cuts from the book rooms and wellness center, clients have been reported to be spotted eagerly running to the new building bathrooms to film Tik Tok thirst traps and post them in hopes of going viral. Multiple bathrooms have been closed down by campus security throughout the past few weeks in an attempt to stop them. None have been successful thus far.
The most notable change is the renaming of the Irvington Perm Clone Factory. Now dubbed The Irvington Fade Clone Factory, it plans to diversify haircuts offered at the factory and reach out to a bigger audience.
When asked about the future of Fade Factory, Mr. Kurl shared, “What’s next for the Fade Factory? Honestly, I don’t even know where I can start. There’s so much in the future for the factory and the potential that we hold. We were thinking of adding girl’s haircuts to the lists, but that would disrupt the type of environment we aspire to have, ya’ know? I’m constantly checking Reddit for new up and coming trendy, tik-tok thirst trap inspired haircuts, so we’ll be the first to have ‘em. For our followers, stay tuned. We love you.”
Last year, a board in the corner of the book room depicted prices of the cuts offered at the factory. The Ugly Perm was for $5, Bradley Cooper Perm for $5.10, and the Classic Tiktok, Irvington Perm for $10. Now, adjusted for rates of inflation and an increase in demand, prices have changed. The list below accurately represents updated prices.
Ugly Perm: $7
Bradley Cooper Perm: $7.5
Classic Tiktok, Irvington Perm: $15
The Middle Part Where it’s Practically a Side Part but it Has a Fade So it Counts: $9
“Wait, Did You Even Get a Haircut?” Middle Part: $15
Will Definitely Get You Girls Middle Part: $20
All options of haircuts are all almost equal in demand at Irvington, but Mr. Bodd Pillwell, a Factory Production Assistant for the past two years, pointed out that “Will Get You Girls Middle Part” is the clear winner when it comes to popular demand.
“There’s just something that grabs them in with that title. Has it been successful yet? I mean…the results speak for themselves,” he said with a shrug
Next time you’re going to the Library to check out a book or the Wellness Center, make sure to stop by The Irvington Fade Clone Factory, highly certified and thoroughly reviewed by your trusted reporters at The Voice.
NOTE: This is still a developing news story and will continue to be updated as more haircuts are added.
