Prom is scheduled on May 23 for the 24-25 school year, leaving students less than 2 months to find a prom date. While some have spent the last couple of months productively making posters and searching for the perfect bouquet, others find themselves procrastinating; playing video games with their friends, when they still have tests to study for and a promposal to plan.
Stress, prestige chasing, and a fear of failure have made Irvington a competitive school with toxic levels of academic pressure. As a result, most students are too busy trying to get admission into T20 universities to focus on having any sort of social life. As such, navigating the near-nonexistent dating scene can be a challenge.
ASG is here to help. In early May, they will launch the “Prom Pairing Program” (PPP); Irvington’s first dating service. Students will have the option to purchase a prom date for a base rate of $180. Sure, the price may seem steep, but you need to account for the fact that they will have to spend 6-hours (not including traffic) acting interested as you rant about your classes, that one teacher that totally hates you, your 4 tests on Monday, and the math test you “failed” (B+). Considering all of that, $30 an hour is a steal. ASG projects a total revenue of over $20,000 from the program.
Similar programs have been piloted in other districts with moderate success. An anonymous staff member from Lynbrook High School said, “The students here are all incredibly intelligent — you’ll be hard-pressed to find anyone taking less than 6 APs. And while this translates into a helpful increase in district funding and medical coverage for the teachers, it does not translate into sophisticated dating skills. “A lot of my students haven’t made proper eye contact since the pandemic. PPP really changed things around. They can now get dates without the risk of in-person interaction.” stated another teacher.
Another common concern is Irvington’s limited dating pool. Fortunately, ASG has a solution for that issue as well. For a slight additional fee of $50, dates from other schools including Mission, American, and Kennedy are also available for purchase.
If you have a crush you want to ask out to prom, don’t wait too long! If not, no worries — you can always purchase a date from the Viking Vendor. For more details or to become a date-for-sale, please refer to the ad [below?].
IHS Voice wishes everyone a happy senior prom!
Prices:
Prom date from Irvington (chopped, 3.6 GPA): $180
Prom date from Irvington (not chopped, 3.92 GPA) (very very VERY limited quality): $230
Prom date outside of Irvington (chopped, 4.15 scammed private school GPA): $400
Prom date outside of Irvington (NOT chopped, 4.65 inflated private school GPA) (we have 2 left!): $600
*Disclaimer: The Prom Pairing Program does not guarantee emotional fulfillment, romantic success, or long-term relationships. All sales are final; there are no refunds, exchanges, or warranties on moral decency, charm, or conversation quality. We are not responsible for awkward silences or ghosting following the date. Additional fees may apply for premium features such as a matching outfit, table manners, or a willingness to slow dance. Join our loyalty program for a loyal date (terms and conditions apply). Please prom responsibly.
