On April 2, 2052, Chardonnay Gold and Cash Money, presidents of Irvington’s newest club, IHS-Premium, expressed their plans for the newest updates to the club. After laying dormant for the past 20 years, the club expressed their happiness as they finally had enough affluent (they believe the word r*ch is a slur) members to reinstate their Premium upgrades.
For affluent students who have not yet been contacted by this club, Cash explains, “We’ll get around to the bottom of the copious barrel in the distant future.” For now, the club boasts a 100% Ivy League success rate, 100% happiness rate, 82% increase in popularity, and a 100% guarantee for better grades, more freedom, better parking, delicious food, more space, smell blockers (for those without access to deodorant) and built in service hours for the less fortunate of Irvington! Gold explains, “We love the non-members of Irvington! Meeting our future clients fills the Premium club with joy!”
For non-invited students, the minimum club fee sits around $124,350 monthly, subject to change without notice. Gruntled participant Lotta Doe explains, “The club is just an essential at this school! It’s hard being around so much….ambition. Premium just gives that peaceful vibe you can’t get from any other club.” The student lounge, replacing the library which the club won in an auction against the school, is not open to the public, but I was offered a tour as a one time favor (I am now in debt to this club, send help). Upon entrance, real life butlers remove your coats, replace your shoes with slippers, and take your backpack. Immediately, my phone lit up as their high speed, high tech wifi connects automatically upon entrance. Opulent students sat in chairs that could hold at least 3 students, lounging in comfy positions. On the desks surrounding them, tutors sat educating the less than interested affluent students.. Cash Money explains, “We use a form of teaching here known as ‘money see, money do’. As you can see, it works. Our students have gotten admitted to prestigious colleges, none settling for anything less than an Ivy League.” Unfortunately, he would not answer my question surrounding tuition or donations towards these colleges.
After the tour, Gold and Money expressed their newest updates to the club. Students would no longer dine at school, but be driven across the street to a decadent dining hall in the Irvington Community Center, designs of which show a large oak table, high ceilings and never ending crystal chandeliers. Furthermore, students are now able to purchase coupons which teachers can accept and cash in to the club. “This is not a bribe” Gold punctuated to me, “It is simply a different way of learning.” Furthermore, sections of the courtyard are planned to be remodeled for new seating and parking for premium students. Sky boxes and dedicated parking spaces are in the near future for Irvington students.
