People frequently ask me, “What do you think of my playlist, Spotify?” Well, I am here to (respectfully) inform you all that your tastes are absolute dog [poop]. Here’s what I have to say to you based on your specific playlists:
Do you even know what you’re listening to? Some of you have a cluster of songs that you haven’t heard of in your life, such as “I’m Sorry I Farted in the Elevator” or “I Like Bananas (Because They Have No Bones).” I didn’t know they existed either. OR, you may have included it because you overheard a TikTok reel that played Diddy party songs that were enjoyable…for only fifteen seconds. Abracadabra, amor-oo-na-na, baby.
Speaking of which, why is your playlist 375 hours long? What is this? A life sentence? At this point, I’m going to force myself to crash. Did you mix a whole decade of music or just try to cover every genre known to man? I bet you procrastinated on your 79 fifty-day late assignments to make this — and you’re not even going to listen to it.
Your gym playlist is very…inspiring… Wait, you actually exercise? Your FBI agents peeking through your camera say otherwise. Nikocado Avocado told me that he’s only seen you constantly eating Hot Cheetos while scrolling on your crummy phone to find a better playlist. To all PE teachers out there, “Cha Cha Slide” SHOULDN’T be your top song. You should play “Fat Juicy & Wet” instead — the kids will do whatever you say after hearing it.
You’re really listening to emo songs during your in-class essay? Is it for emotional instability or productivity? Are you planning your funeral? Oh, I see how it is. You’re trying to become a mysterious, nonchalant, high-aura person shielded by eternal darkness. The depressing rap songs you listen to make you gaslight yourself into believing that you’ve lived a hard life in the hood. But girl, you’re from the suburbs. Anyhow, try not to cry on your $100,000 Chromebook. It’s school property. Our terms of condition agreement that you [definitely] read (we told our lawyers you did) states that Spotify is not responsible for collateral damages — including your potential deafness — so we cannot afford to pay you $1 in Chromebook repairs. Boo-hoo, emo-roo. Go cry at home.
Yeehaw, I guess… So you’re a country enthusiast…living in a city. For Halloween, you decide to be normal and dress like Jaden Smith at the Grammys, but on regular days, you wear a cowboy hat, dragging around a cardboard cutout of a guitar. Just because Beyoncé (thank you, Beyoncé, don’t hurt me) released a single album about yeehawing doesn’t mean you love country music.
And finally, are you actually okay? FYI, I know you aren’t, but I have to ask just to look good so that my advertising partners will not stop paying me extra to give everyone ads every second. Anyway, I can hear you playing all sorts of randomness that shouldn’t be considered songs. Donald Trump rizzing you up with yapping sessions? If he keeps calling you “tariff pookie” and enforcing travel bans on you, I suppose he’s getting clingy. And what is it with you and AI celebrity song covers? Why are you now listening to car commercial soundtracks introducing the brand-new Toyota Tundra? You better not complain when I hit you up with the Wicked ad for the millionth time — it’s just a reminder to listen to REAL songs with your girl Ariana Not-So-Pequeño.
There’s more to explore, but why should I when my eyes immediately ask to be blinded because of your cringey playlist names? In conclusion, there’s no need to use AI to judge you — they can’t judge taste when you don’t have it in the first place. Spotify staff are here for you…for now…and I can confidently tell you that you’re 0% basic and not like the others, but that’s okay. Maybe someone will love you for your music taste one day. Though, I highly recommend you put your playlist in private…
