In an alarming turn, economists say Trump’s tariffs on foreign goods are raising grade inflation at Irvington.
“We don’t know how this occurred, given that economic and grade inflation are totally different things,” explained Irvington Finance Club president Faylen Klassis. “But thank the heavens, because I really needed this.”
Several students have immediately become fervent Donald Trump supporters as a result of the new policies.
“Sure, boba at Tpumps costs $15 now,” said one student named James Tait, who wished to remain anonymous. “But that’s only a $5 increase from the old price of $5.50. On the other hand, I got my first passing grade in Calculus today!”
Many students were shocked by how easy their tests have become.
“I got 150% on my last history exam,” said Imafash Isst. “The only question was, ‘How many states does America have?’ The correct answer is 52, including Canada and Greenland.”
In Economics Honors, soon-to-graduate seniors are learning about the most vital part of the American economy: the automotive industry.
“A weird amount of the course was dedicated to describing the technical supremacy of Teslas,” remarked Tess LaHayder.
Nole K. Sum had a different take. “I drive a Cybertruck, so I automatically got an A in the class.” Sum has recently committed to Elon University, which is a real university in North Carolina. At press time, he was very confused to learn that the university was not run by Elon Musk, and was also horrified to learn that all Cybertrucks had been recently recalled.
English classes have also been transformed significantly. Instead of reading seminal texts from Shakespeare, Steinbeck, and Orwell, teachers have started teaching books such as “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” and “The Little Engine That Could.” All poetry not written by Shel Silverstein and Dr. Seuss has been removed from the curriculum. An English Department representative told us, “Rhymes are hard.”
Due to Irvington’s rampant grade inflation, transfers from American, Washington, Kennedy, and even Mission San Jose high schools have increased significantly, much to the chagrin of current students.
“This is illegal and criminal behavior,” declared ASG President Dòmhnall Chuanpu. “Transfer students are bringing in high amounts of vape pens, bathroom vandalism, and fire alarms. They must be expelled immediately.”
At press time, it appeared that colleges across America ranging from Harvard to Princeton to Arizona State University had started to blacklist Irvington students due to their unbelievable GPAs.
