Fremont Unified School District has long been struggling with its budget. Rounds and rounds of budget cuts have occurred, yet the budget for essential goods remains too little. Just a week ago, the school district’s coffee machine faced a malfunction, and the funds to repair it have not been able to be procured yet. Admin and FUSD staff have had to resort to barbaric measures, relying on instant coffee and coffee packets, reducing their overall productivity.
The district was left with no choice but to seek the wisdom of the world’s preeminent financial strategist, none other than Elon Musk. His notable accomplishments include reforming Twitter into the behemoth of X, cutting all slashed frivolous expenses like janitors and content moderators. In his recent stint advising the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), his genius has led to groundbreaking taxpayer savings, reducing funding on things like closing Social Security offices and thousands of outrageously redundant jobs like “postal worker” and “bridge inspector.” Musk has been tasked with enforcing the budget cuts efficiently and streamlining the education students receive. As he puts it, “fix the fundamental flawed concept of public education.”
The first order of business? Identifying inefficiencies in the budget. After conducting a 15-minute review of district spending (via poll on X), Musk isolated key areas needing streamlining. First to go is the entire English department, deemed outdated by Musk, specifically due to its usage of paper and formal text. “Why waste time analyzing literature when ChatGPT can summarize it into basic English,” says Musk. Other non-essential expenses like the library, school nurses, and the entire PE department, deemed unnecessary as they did not add to the productivity of the future workplace. Teachers were deemed another non-essential expense, with studies conducted on X showing students learn better through AI learning. Teachers will gradually be phased out and replaced with X’s AI model Grok.
As incentives to promote learning after such drastic changes, Musk also plans to launch X Learning+, a subscription service that students can pay for to enhance their learning. While textbooks have been labeled archaic and will be removed for use, students wishing to use them will be able to, for only 5 dollars for every paragraph they seek to rent, but with X Learning+ students can access this information for free (granted they pay the 50 dollar human verification fee, and $20 a month afterwards). Classroom supplies, albeit cut for efficiency, can be rented in similar fashion, or used for free with X Learning+. Classrooms even remain free, with discussions, teacher AI feedback, and “premium” learning content remaining behind a paywall. Submitting most assignments and using the internet requires a subscription to X Pro, an additional $30 a month. The school buses have been replaced with Tesla rideshare programs to cut down on drivers and raise additional revenue.
The extra revenue generated through these ventures has important uses, Musk claims. A new program called the Mars Colonization Project was revealed, replacing PE. A large portion of the budget will be used to renovate the main gym into a Mars simulation chamber, to prepare the future generation of astronauts. Other added programs include a mandatory content moderation course to replace those he fired at Twitter, as well as blockchain and crypto mining courses. The entire FUSD headquarters will be remodeled as well, the coffee machine will be replaced by computers where Admin is allowed to buy NFTs of coffee. “It’s a great investment,” says Musk, departing the headquarters in his Tesla Model X, “and just look at x. FUSD efficiency approval is through the roof. My heart goes out to all the students who attend. It’s thanks to them and me that the future of civilization is assured.”
