Following a thorough investigation, it has now been revealed that Irvington administration has increased enforcement of the no-phone policy to compete for high scores in Block Blast, a game popular amongst the student body. While the crackdown was branded to avoid students being distracted during instructional minutes, there have been several reports of the devices being repurposed.
When picking their phones up from the office after confiscation by the administration, many students are reporting that their phone batteries have been completely drained, lowering to the tune of 40% at times. The root of this rapid use of phone battery? Block Blast. “My high score on Block Blast isn’t even mine!” exclaimed Blake Blastman (11).
“Students have been wasting valuable instructional minutes, especially during the Advisory period,” explains Principal Stackley Hicks. “They’re too busy texting their parents, writing emails to their teachers, and checking Aeries.” While refusing to comment on the chain of custody after a phone is confiscated during Advisory, he noted that bonding levels in the administrative office were at an all-time high.
An office assistant (OA), wishing to remain anonymous, noticed a high-profile meeting in the Principal’s office related to the confiscations. “It seemed like they were devising a schedule on who will get what phone and when,” the OA noted. “I managed to get a copy while they were swiping furiously at the confiscated phones.”
Upon independently verifying the schedule, The Void found that phones are sorted by model and battery percentage. The administration reportedly enlisted Math Department Chair Sheetal No-Phone-Das to come up with a proprietary formula for balancing battery life with phone model, allowing senior administration to have the most seamless experience possible. iPhone 16s charged at 100%, for example, are allocated to Principal Stackley Hicks, whereas an iPhone 15 with 80% charge will be left to Assistant Principals Jigsaw Aucoin, High-Score Howell, and Jenniforce DeBan. Counselors, attendance clerks, and other office staff have to do with the rest.
Following the craze at the office, counselors have found that Block Blast scores can correlate to student intelligence. “It’s a far better indicator than a GPA, trust me,” argues Counselor Win-di Bennett. “After all, I am the reigning champion around here.” For the class of 2026, the counseling team has announced that Block Blast scores will be taken into consideration when writing recommendation letters, and it will also be rolled in as a graduation requirement for the class of 2027 and onwards.
“It is very important to this school that students leave with the fundamental problem-solving skills that this game teaches,” noted Principal Stackley Hicks. “Calculus, literature, and chemistry can be useful subjects to learn, but ultimately, the real world only cares about whether you can clear five rows in a single drop.”
