Irvington, just like any other high school (except for the fact that everyone here is a tryhard), can be quite stressful. In a world where it seems like everyone is constantly something better than you, dealing with annoying teachers who suddenly think they’re all that and decide to be hard for no reason, plus the usual toxicity and pressure of high school, it’s hard to stay productive and locked in. But have no fear — we made the perfect morning routine inspired by our (yes, OUR) glorious, amazing, iconic, athletic, smart, rich, responsible, money-making KING Ashton Hall. With the help of this morning routine, you’ll become the most independent and productive person ever!
5:00-5:10 a.m.: Turn off your alarm and enrich your ears and mind with your (YES, YOUR) favorite sounds ever: The Alpha Male Coach on Spotify. While you indulge yourself in the beauties of looksmaxxing, potassium waxing, fixing your negative canthal tilt, and basking in your alpha-maleness, hydrate yourself with water from (ONLY) a Saratoga water bottle.
5:15-5:25: Go to the bathroom and wash your face with water not from your sink, but from your graceful and intricate Saratoga water bottle (doesn’t count if you don’t use the water bottle, but extra points if it’s the same water bottle you drank your morning water in).
5:25-5:40: Take that car and drive to Irvington! This is the true secret to being productive and independent, and it’s part of the morning routine — you can never be too early to school!
5:45-6:45: Break into the Irvington small gym… No one said this morning routine would be easy, but don’t worry, your body is going to be so tea the British are going to be coming anytime soon!
6:50-6:55: Get out of the gym and try to act like you didn’t just break in, then make your way to the Irvington pool!
6:56: Now that you’ve reached the pool, jump in!
7:00: Finish jumping in (yes, it takes 4 minutes).
7:45-7:55: Exit the pool and go change. However, no matter the situation you are in, DO NOT take a shower. Swimming is already enough of a shower, and you can’t under any circumstances risk breaking your no-showering streak.
8:00: Yes, you’re 30 minutes early to school, but who cares? There’s more time for you to walk around and bask in the amazing and beautiful parts of our campus (like the amazingly sanitary bathrooms, our pool, and amazing football field!) that is Irvington High School.
With this perfect morning routine, you skip all the unnecessary parts of a morning routine, like eating breakfast, showering, and brushing your teeth. Instead, you focus on the important parts that truly make your morning amazing, such as drinking from (only) Saratoga Water Bottles, enriching your mind with an Alpha Male Podcast, and swimming!
