Administration reveals plot to make dances effectively cooler

Have you ever wondered why school dances are the coolest, most highly anticipated social events these days? Some say it’s because the DJ’s are better this year, while others believe those sheik tablecloth screens have done the trick. However, during a recent press conference held with the administration, the answer to this burning question was revealed.

“Attendance to school dances has been steadily decreasing over the years,” said Principal Pete Murchison. “The only way to get numbers back up was to eliminate the core problem—the nerds.”

I’ve got to hand it to them. Planning the school calendar so that every dance is the day before SAT’s and ACT’s is brilliant.

No one wants to dance around a bunch of posers. People who are book-smart are really spirited for no reason. There’s an influx of kids every year who don’t know the difference between a touchdown and a homerun. So the question of controversy right now deals with whether they deserve it: should they be allowed to dances when they lack vital pop-culture knowledge, such as football fundamentals before a homecoming game?

Dance atmosphere also improves when people feel more comfortable, and people feel a lot more comfortable when the socially-awkward remain at home.

“To be honest, I wouldn’t get my freak on if the kid next to me was smirking instead of jerking at a school dance,” said Mr. Matthew Phillips.

For some reason, nerds have always been the target of ridicule in high school. Their mommies can only tell them so many times that one day the bullies will work for them before the comforting wears off. The administration has taken it to another level and it’s personal now. Before it wasn’t really, but now it REALLY is. Never before has there been an angrier group of nerds.

“It’s not fair!” shouted Senior Jambu Jambulingam. “We do so much for this school! We raised the API scores and won a bus; we pick up all of the slack on AP tests—when will it be OUR turn to dance?”

Several administrative officials tell our newspaper that it will never be their turn unless they get their act together.

“I was noticing it all week during spirit week,” said an anonymous admin, “because they were all so tired claiming that they arrived at school at five in the morning. What sort of high school kid comes to school at five in the morning? A nerdy one, that’s what. I used to beat up Urkel’s like that back in my day before they even made it to the dance floor.”

Many people, teachers and students alike, are pleased with this filtering system and believe it’ll help make dances more enjoyable. You can tell that their plan is working because of the high attendance at school dances this year.  Keep up the awesome job, admins and ASB and make sure the dances are fun for the other half of our student body!