As you all know, we at college admissions prioritize holistic review of all our applications in order to ensure equity and fairness in all our selection processes. We have reviewed thousands of applications, and this year, we have selected a record 0.3% of our applicant pool to join our campus next fall as freshly minted Automatons! Please sleep well knowing that your application, that you tirelessly worked on for months, was given a full, thorough, 23 second review.

Applicant # 28047: Accepted

Region: Topeka, Kansas

Reason for Decision: You provided a touching narrative about almost losing your football game, before pushing your teammate out of the way to single-handedly make the winning shot all by yourself. We appreciate such an original story, we applaud your bravery, and we welcome you to our campus.

Applicant #28085: Rejected

Region: Albuquerque, New Mexico

Reason for Decision: Unfortunately, the application reader got a paper cut when flipping the pages of your application. You were rejected. We wish you well on your college search!

Applicant #293893: Rejected

Region: George Town, Malaysia

Reason for Decision: While you are involved in kollégikithikajjaba, a traditional song from malaysia, it doesn’t provide the same dexterity as a pitikima-hoohee, a throat-singing sport originating from mongolia that involves a unique aptitude of mongolian acoustics and an understanding of ethnomusicology.

Applicant #309029: Rejected 

Region: San Jose, California

Reason for Decision: While you are really accomplished, so is everyone else. If you had some more adversity or diversity, you may have fared better. Good luck with the rest of your applications! 

Applicant #392849: Accepted

Region: Palm Beach, Florida

Reason for Decision: You showed great leadership and quick decision making in choosing between a yacht and a mercedes on your 16th birthday. 

P.S. We hope you enjoy studying in a building in your namesake, a reminder of your family’s philanthropic generosity to our institution!

Applicant #498374: Rejected 

Region: Oymyakon, Siberia

Reason for Decision: Unfortunately, although you are very qualified, you are from Oymyakon, Siberia, and we regret to inform you that we cannot offer you acceptance. We are looking for someone from rural Oymyakon, Siberia to increase our diversity.  

Applicant #530984: Deferred

Region: International (Asia)

Reason for Decision: We understand that you have had a challenging life, which has given you adversity points. However, Applicant #520384 requested less financial aid than you did. Consider getting another job in order to pay for college yourself, or take out crippling student loans. Best of luck! 

Applicant #509239: Rejected 

Region: Trenton, New Jersey

Reason for Decision: Unfortunately, your teacher recommendations did not commend you as the “next Mother Teresa” or “Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg’s love child”. Therefore, we are unable to offer you acceptance. Good luck in your future endeavors!

We are excited to welcome the Class of 2025’ to our campus! Go Automatons!