How to Host the Perfect Rally

The Irvington Rally Committee, hard at work, creating the perfect rally.

The Irvington Rally Committee, hard at work, creating the perfect rally.

After the interesting and controversial rally on August 27th, we noticed that Irvington needed some help hosting their rallies. So I’m here with my Stanford PhD in Rally Holding, and let’s talk about how to host the perfect rally for our school.

Trivia time! What is the main reason high schools even hold rallies? If you answered school spirit, I am sorry to inform you that high schools, especially Irvington, haven’t had school spirit since the introduction of AP classes. Rallies are actually held to reduce depression rates in students! Irvington can’t be held accountable for student mental health issues, because these quarterly bundles of joy called rallies exist!

But, in order to make rallies actually serve its purpose of helping student’s mental health, it needs to include what students actually want from school: grades. Weighted grades. Attending rallies should award weight course credit for maximum student benefit. But, as we all know, weighted credit isn’t given without a struggle! So, in order for students to earn the weighted credit, they need to write 100 page reports on each rally, and submit their printed papers to the recycling bin in the office the day after every rally. Sounding more perfect already, right?

Another thing our school district believes heavily in is budget cuts! Forget extra classes, we need to spend money on more clocks, and of course, very expensive comedians in each rally. Students don’t care about learning, so taking away classes won’t bother them. But, having expensive comedians will 100% cure student mental health issues, a win-win! Kids also love flashing lights, so including more LED eye-burning flashing lights would definitely add a much needed kick to rallies!

The only school event students care about is prom (and for all the wrong reasons but let’s not get into that, shall we?) In order to create the perfect rally, including parts of the prom is a must, no matter the month! Prom ask outs will definitely be a hit among students and cheer them up. Students will be paid actors, receiving stipends in the thousands for their performances during the rallies. However, to incorporate this wonderful idea, we need to make room in the rally schedule. I think it is safe to assume we can replace the card tricks performed in the previous rally. 

So yeah, that is how you host the perfect rally. Cya.