The 5 Types of Back-to-School Seniors

In its wild habitat, an Invys I. Bleman can be found reading ahead for AP Lit.


In its wild habitat, an Invys I. Bleman can be found reading ahead for AP Lit.

With every back-to-school comes a requestioning of one’s identity, a wondering of “am I really a freshman/sophomore/junior/senior?” But this is a year like no other. Freshmen and sophomores are fresh out of junior high, juniors are freshmen, and seniors were last here on Friday the 13th, 2020. With all that so-called “learning loss” (totally not a conspiracy to get us to take more standardized tests), how do we know that these are bona-fide seniors? If they’ve done the required reading and can identify the characters below. Let’s take a look at 5 types of back-to-school seniors. 

1. Invys I. Bleman

This type of senior is extremely optimistic and ambitious, somehow even more so than before quarantine. No one knows quite where they get their energy from; definitely not the four energy drink cans in their backpack. Their scientific name is Kiddus tryhardus and their spirit animal is Boxer from Animal Farm: “I must work harder.” As long as they persevere, they can be teacher’s pet, valedictorian, class officer, club president, first class rank, and any other position they so desire. Their main competition is the Gatz’, who don’t realize that the Blemans exist. 

2. Hold Cawfield

Cawfields can often be found contemplating the true nature of society and existence. After all,  “What’s the point of going to school to go to college to get college debt and a boring office job?” Over quarantine, they reread all their old childhood picture books because innocence is the true meaning of life. Back at school, they spend most of their time sighing nostalgically over the lost summer days. 

3. J. Gatz

Ah, the Gatz. In quarantine, when they were stuck at home unable to touch grass or daisies, they realized they missed out on so much in sophomore year. They should have taken every chance, every opportunity, every dance, to be part of the high-school community. Now they’re back and better than ever. Wild Gatz can be found at Vike Night, bench, senior sunrise, hoco, football games, and every single club intro meeting, whether or not anyone else shows up. There’s no stopping a Gatz once they see the green light. 

4.  Bill Bag

The Bags live in a hole in the ground, eat three breakfasts a day, and generally prefer existence as a couch potato. No adventures, thank you very much. They were diagnosed with senioritis at an early age, around March 2020. Unimaginative, uninspired, and constantly late to school, they’re living life how it should be rather than how it is. 

5.  mulloG

When the CDC mandated social distancing, mulloGs were overjoyed; they’d been doing it all along. The world would finally understand the utter joy of solitary existence. Their precioussssss alone time extended beyond after school hours to encompass pretty much the whole day (meals are served through a slot in their door). They utterly despise the idea of being back and would rather swim in an icy lake with blind fish any day. 

If you’re a senior and you recognize all these types, congrats. You’re a genuine IHS apex predator. If you’re an underclassmen, just know that you have much to look forward to in English- I mean senior year. :).