You’ve probably seen them. You know, those black bugs with beady eyes and intimidating pincers that scuttle around every time you lift a sandal in the backyard? Recently, these creepy bugs invaded Mr. Chen’s classroom and started dropping from the ceiling and onto the heads of innocent students. But the real question remains: who let the pincher bugs in? Conspiracy theories from microchip planting vaccines to Trump-approved bleach injections have defined 2021, and so we here at the Irvington Voice wanted to add to this neverending list of fallacies:

1. Next-generation sleeping buds: Pincher bugs, also known as earwigs, are known for crawling and laying their eggs into peoples’ ears. Myths lead many to believe that these insects feed on the human brain, but maybe these misunderstood creatures simply want to help us out, especially during math class. In a classic example of mutualism, pincher bugs can easily roll up into sleep buds for students during math class, especially during those long, boring lectures. Why fall in love with math when you can just fall asleep?

2. Spring?: It’s a well-known fact that pincher bugs enjoy staying in cool, humid environments, which is exactly the opposite of California weather. Despite the fact that it is currently winter, flowers are continuing to bloom and it’s still sunny outside. With the occasional rain showers that we receive, the pincher bugs probably misinterpreted the current season to be spring. St. Patrick’s day falls around the time of this season, so it’s only natural to assume that the pincher bugs decided to invade Mr. Chen’s classroom to pinch students who aren’t wearing green. 

3. Academic Ratings: Irvington may be plotting to keep students, especially those who have acarophobia (no, this is not the word for a fear of cars), awake in their classrooms by secretly letting pincher bugs in. With a whole year of distance learning, many students are currently struggling to keep up with the rigorousness of their classes. Irvington needs to appeal to future students to enroll at the school (and let’s be honest . . . the campus isn’t going to cut it for much longer). Therefore, the only other solution is to keep academic ratings up by letting these terrifying creatures in so that they can pinch students who aren’t paying attention in class. 

4. Degrading Campus: After spending hours upon hours of doing backbreaking research, we at the Irvington Voice found that pincher bugs are actually attracted to rotting wood. Who would’ve known? Students have been complaining for years about the infrastructure at this school. Maybe it’s finally time for a change in our buildings. 

Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece and certain pieces of information were exaggerated for comical effect. However, it is important to not downplay the seriousness of current issues like global warming and the school’s deteriorating infrastructure. Also, do your math kidz 🙂