Harvard to Implement Astrology-Aware Admissions


Updated Harvard application.

In light of rising college applicant numbers and the need for a fair and holistic process, Harvard University has announced that it will begin incorporating astrology into admissions decisions. 

For instance, admissions committees have begun constructing astrocartography maps (which definitely do not look like clumps of hair) for each student, drawing lines according to the student’s natal chart. Then, admissions officers check to see that Harvard University’s location falls on a “friendly” line and not “stay away at all costs” line.

“If it’s the latter, unfortunately that student’s a no-go, though exceptions can be made for athletes and legacies,” said Robert Gregs, Dean of Admission. “We take this all very seriously – yes, we know that this is life or death for the Jeff Bezoses of tomorrow.”

Committees are also planning to commission “Admissions Horoscopes,” which predict two factors based on students’ sun signs: “compatibility with Harvard” and “potential to make bank for Harvard in the future.”

 “These are the two most important qualities we consider in any student,” explained Gregs. “For example, we predict that Scorpios next year will see admission rates on the low-ish end, because – according to our astrologists – they will be fighting intense internal battles with their souls.” (Admissions officers reportedly have an eye on Pluto trine natal moons.)

This announcement marks a major doctrinal shift for the Ivy, whose admissions practices have typically been shrouded in secrecy. Gregs expressed that the decision came partly out of a need to appeal to modern demographics – “Now everyone thinks they have a shot at getting in, which is great because we can make a small fortune in application fees while dispelling the shameful accusations that we are elitist.” Several other admissions officers have mentioned that astrology spices the admissions process up with a bit of unpredictability. 

“Keeps them on their feet,” Gregs says. “And distracts them from all those lawsuits.”