As I walk into my poorly lit math class, I hear my teacher say, “Class, we have a pop quiz today!”
Realizing that I’m done for, I hopelessly pull out my blue gel pen that has survived infinite amounts of failed tests and field trip signature forging, and hope for the best.
The moment the quiz is given to me, my mind goes blank. Transforming the function? I don’t even get invited to those. How am I supposed to find the limit? Girl, I can’t even figure out my own spending limit.
Just as everything seems lost, two people tap on my shoulders. It’s the one and only Ugil Lee, star basketball bench hogger. And on the other side is none other than Tri Hardt, my super fine neighbor and one of the best people I know. He’s kind, smart, and a little annoying, but SO environmentally conscious that he doesn’t even use deodorant because of the microplastics and only takes a shower once a week to save water. If only the rest of the world could be like him.
They both ask me, “Wait, what’s 39+28?”
“67,” I tell them.
As soon as the bell rings, the three of us leave the classroom, and Ugil whispers, “We really got away with the cheating; the teacher didn’t suspect a thing. Anne, you really bailed us out today.”
Hearing him compliment me so much shocked me; I never realized how exhilarating it was knowing not only one but TWO of my biggest crushes liked me back. I could barely hold my excitement when I went home, and the moment I went to my room, I opened my window to watch Tri. I waited for what seemed like hours. I mean, who cares? I’m not that busy.
Finally, he opened his window, and I frantically waved to him. For some reason, he made a face and immediately locked the window, and I also heard him calling 9-1-1. He must be so excited to see me, he can’t even show me! Ugh, he’s so nonchalant.
The rest of the day zooms by, and I eat dinner while thinking about how my food smells like Tri before going to sleep wondering if Ugil ever gets tired on the bench and how I should help him just like in class.
The next day at school, a grating voice comes from the loudspeaker: “Basketball game right after school!”
I gasp, “This is my chance; I could see Ugil!!!”
Realizing that everyone is staring at me with disgust, I quickly snap out of my fantasy. I hear them whisper, “Ew… Ugil?”
“She needs that cookie so bad.”
“Wait, isn’t he…”
And, “My god, Valentine’s Day really does make a girl desperate.”
Time passes, and it’s the heat of the basketball game, with Ugil doing an exceptional job at making sure no one touches the bench, until all of a sudden, a player is hurt, and the coach calls Ugil. I let out a huge gasp; this could be his big break.
Surprisingly, he actually dribbles the ball as he shambles through the enemy team and reaches their hoop. Right as he’s about to score, I scream at the top of my lungs, “YESSSS, UGIL! HIT THE SHOT! THAT’S MY MAN.”
He completely airballs, and I get yelled at from all directions. Like, I thought at least the enemy team would be nice to me? As I leave the gymnasium, I realize that he just missed because he was so nervous since he knew he could never bag a baddie like me, and that he was so happy I cheered him on! I quickly went home and fell asleep in my bedroom, making sure I’m well rested when Ugil and Tri ask me out.
As my alarm beeps and the morning light hits me, I quickly get ready for school and walk into first period, prepared for the test. As I glance over at Tri’s undeniably stinky seat, I see roses, my favorite flower ever! I knew he was gonna ask me to be his girlfriend.
As we start the test, Tri and Ugil ask me at almost the same time, “Wait, Anne, I was really busy last night, but I was wondering if you wanted to—”
Before they can say anything, I get up from excitement and scream, “Yes, Tri, I’d be so happy to be your girlfriend, and I LOVE roses, by the way. And don’t worry, Ugil, you can be my side piece since you didn’t get me a gift!”
All of a sudden, the classroom is even more silent. The teacher steps in and says, “Girl… Ugil’s gay. I guess you suck at cheating on tests AND reading people.”
Immediately, she rips up my test. Tri then steps in to say, “Anne Ediot, I can’t believe you would assume that. But that reminds me. Ugil, ever since I met you the moment you airballed the basketball and gave me a concussion, I knew right there and then that I wanted to be with you. I know this is really inconvenient timing, but will you go out with me on Valentine’s Day tomorrow?”
Right before I can say anything, Ugil replies, “Of course, Tri! I’d love to. And we can buy you new glasses to replace the ones I broke with the basketball when we first met.”
With no other choice, I scream, “He doesn’t even take showers!”
